A dull thud against the window. Then another. It's been a month now. Beautiful songs. He has come every day now, except the day of the memorial.
He is not aggressive; his crest on his head is not raised as he hits the window. He hangs on the lower part (the screen) or flies at the top part of the window with a light thud. He hits it two or three times and then sits in the tree and sings.
This cardinal started visiting my studio window about 3 days before my son, Kyle, went to meet Jesus. I think all the good thoughts: he's not suffering any longer, he's in a better place, he's happy . . . But sometimes it doesn't help.
I've lived in this house for 20 years and have never had a bird come to my window. He often shows up at my upstairs window in the mornings, when I wake up with a soaked pillow and can't get out of bed. He sits in the tree by the window and sings. He has also followed me in the yard while I water the plants.
I also had a rainbow dance on the hood of our truck as we were driving home. The colors sparkled in the misty rain and lit up the hood. Never seen that before in my life! Breathtaking!
People say it's Kyle. That he's sending me messages that he's okay. They say he wants me to know he is with me.
My biggest heartache came from feeling excluded in the plans for Kyle's memorial. I wanted to share what an amazing kid he was: a little evangelist, a prayer warrior with gifts of healing when he prayed for people! I wanted to share my pictures and my good memories. I thought anyone and everyone would love to see my pictures and hear the stories. I wanted to write at least one down for the minister to read.
I did get to have some of my images in the slide show. And a few framed pictures on the table. That helped my broken heart.
In the middle of the tears, trying to let go, and trying not to be angry over every little thing, this past week, I heard Kyle clearly say. "Mama, it's Ok. I know them all now. I remember all of them, and nothing is forgotten anymore. I understand the hard ones, too." I laughed and cried. It doesn't matter if anyone else cares or knows, because Kyle does. Then I thought, I must be losing my mind!
I know he is in my heart and my memories. He always will be. But I was taught that we are not to talk to the dead, not to ask them questions, nor seek their spirit. It is sorcery and rebellion against God. So, I struggled with it. Especially when I heard him speak to me.
My pastor's wife said that this was a gift from God for my healing. It's not the same as using a medium to contact our relatives. She said that Kyle might be sending the cardinal to comfort me, and that there are times God sends us dreams, angels, or loved ones to help us. She said if I am not seeking counsel from Kyle, or putting him above the Lord, then it is Ok to talk to him or receive his messages.
So now I tell him things from time to time. I apologize for the poor choices I made over the years, relive a good memory, or laugh when I find another penny where there wasn't one before. I thank the Lord for the time I had with him.
Yesterday was Easter, Resurrection Sunday. I painted for the first time in over a month. Just a nothing painting. No expectations, no deadlines, just a simple start to something that might help me get back to living.
I plan to do some paintings of cardinals soon. What a beautiful expression of life and energy and hope. Brings me joy every time I hear him singing or see him near my window.
