One year today

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Finger Print Flowers, demo

It's been a rough month. Today marks the first year since Kyle stepped into his glorious forever home. I am happy he gets to be with Jesus and dance with the angels. I long for the day I can join him.  But things down here have been extremely difficult.  And the bad memories of the beginning of March last year have been overwhelming the last few weeks.  

Last year, my husband, Robert, was not well. He was having heart issues.  My son, Kyle, was back in the hospital (here in Okeechobee). I made sure Robert was stable and then went to be with my son.  When I got there, they had his door shut and I was not allowed in. As the nurse explained to me that they were doing an emergency surgery right in his room to put in a port for dialysis, I collapsed on the hallway floor and could not stop wailing, moaning, and crying.  They put me on a chair and wheeled me to the nurse's station.  I knew his organs were shutting down.

The next few weeks were both precious and gut wrenching.  The dialysis gave us some time to have precious heart to heart conversations. I treasure the honesty and faith Kyle shared with me of his acceptance that he was headed home.  But the agony of watching him suffer was the hardest thing I have ever faced.  As a mama, you just want to fix it and make him happy.  But cancer is cruel and it spread too fast. It had taken over his liver. 

I had several more physical and emotional breakdowns before he passed.  One was when I took the kids to see him at the Miami Hospital, the week before he flew away.  When I tried to head home, I got turned around in Miami, and had to pull over until I could get myself together.  I should not have been risking our lives in the first place.

The night Kyle passed I freaked out.  I couldn't leave Robert, who had an irregular pulse, and very high blood pressure.  He had been falling frequently too.  I was emotionally a wreck, and I knew I could not drive to Miami at 3 in the morning with the kids in the car.  So my daughter-in-law called her mom and had her pick up the kids and take them.  I knew she was strong, and they would be safe.  I knew my daughter-in-law needed her mother.  (I would be no good to anyone if I was having complete melt downs.)  

I agonized over it and thought I should call someone to stay with Robert, but I didn't know who I could call.  And I didn't think I could make the drive on my own. I could not make myself go.  I had watched him suffer. I couldn't watch him die. I knew Kyle was not coherent. I knew he was Ok, we had already said goodbye.  I knew he was already transitioning to the afterlife.  

I did not know how much this hurt everyone else.

Selfish, I guess. Scared, definitely. Unable to function and not think clearly, for sure. It haunts me still.   

But even worse: the sight of my baby boy in a coffin.  There are no words. This memory haunts me the most.

I wanted to scream, run away, hide from it all -- anything! Anything but sit there with him lying there in front of me while I tried to hold back the anguish.

This week I asked God to change those memories.  To help me have a better perspective.  

Maybe it's crazy, maybe I'm in a fairytale, but I imagined Kyle saying, "Mama, it wasn't me, it was just my temporary tent. I am whole now. I'm free, and I was flying around with no pain!"

So, now I imagine Kyle sitting with me there at his memorial and telling me I'll see him soon.

His memorial was on April 5th last year.  April 5th is Resurrection Sunday this year.  (So many mixed emotions about that.)  Again, I'm truly happy for him, and for the hope of a better life because of Christ's resurrection! Just praying I will get to be a part of my grandchildren's' lives again. It is hard to find joy without them.

I am trying to focus on positive things, the good memories, and stay busy.  I will find joy in things again. 

The painting above is one I did with my young students.  So much delight in their finger paintings!

I needed that. 

I covet your prayers.  Learning to live with this kind of pain is beyond anything. I keep reminding myself that God empowers me through his Spirit in Jesus name.