Joy in the sorrow. Started painting again.

 

A dull thud against the window.  Then another.  It's been a month now.  Beautiful songs.  He has come every day now, except the day of the memorial.

He is not aggressive; his crest on his head is not raised as he hits the window. He hangs on the lower part (the screen) or flies at the top part of the window with a light thud. He hits it two or three times and then sits in the tree and sings.  

This cardinal started visiting my studio window about 3 days before my son, Kyle, went to meet Jesus.  I think all the good thoughts: he's not suffering any longer, he's in a better place, he's happy . . .  But sometimes it doesn't help.

I've lived in this house for 20 years and have never had a bird come to my window.   He often shows up at my upstairs window in the mornings, when I wake up with a soaked pillow and can't get out of bed.  He sits in the tree by the window and sings.  He has also followed me in the yard while I water the plants.

I also had a rainbow dance on the hood of our truck as we were driving home.  The colors sparkled in the misty rain and lit up the hood.  Never seen that before in my life!  Breathtaking! 

People say it's Kyle. That he's sending me messages that he's okay.  They say he wants me to know he is with me. 

My biggest heartache came from feeling excluded in the plans for Kyle's memorial.  I wanted to share what an amazing kid he was: a little evangelist, a prayer warrior with gifts of healing when he prayed for people!  I wanted to share my pictures and my good memories.  I thought anyone and everyone would love to see my pictures and hear the stories.  I wanted to write at least one down for the minister to read. 

I did get to have some of my images in the slide show.  And a few framed pictures on the table.  That helped my broken heart.

In the middle of the tears, trying to let go, and trying not to be angry over every little thing, this past week, I heard Kyle clearly say. "Mama, it's Ok.  I know them all now. I remember all of them, and nothing is forgotten anymore.  I understand the hard ones, too."   I laughed and cried.  It doesn't matter if anyone else cares or knows, because Kyle does. Then I thought, I must be losing my mind!

I know he is in my heart and my memories. He always will be.  But I was taught that we are not to talk to the dead, not to ask them questions, nor seek their spirit.  It is sorcery and rebellion against God.  So, I struggled with it. Especially when I heard him speak to me.

My pastor's wife said that this was a gift from God for my healing.  It's not the same as using a medium to contact our relatives.  She said that Kyle might be sending the cardinal to comfort me, and that there are times God sends us dreams, angels, or loved ones to help us.  She said if I am not seeking counsel from Kyle, or putting him above the Lord, then it is Ok to talk to him or receive his messages.

So now I tell him things from time to time. I apologize for the poor choices I made over the years, relive a good memory, or laugh when I find another penny where there wasn't one before.  I thank the Lord for the time I had with him.  

Yesterday was Easter, Resurrection Sunday.  I painted for the first time in over a month.  Just a nothing painting.  No expectations, no deadlines, just a simple start to something that might help me get back to living.  

I plan to do some paintings of cardinals soon.  What a beautiful expression of life and energy and hope. Brings me joy every time I hear him singing or see him near my window.

Baby bird

                               

 

     

A few days ago, a young crow (Which I thought was a raven) swooped down at my head as I was cleaning the yard.  He followed me around, and every time I picked up a stick or moved something on the ground he tried to peck at what I was doing.  He was clumsy and not afraid of me.

I noticed the down on his neck and wings.  I figured he had lost his parents.  I dug in the dirt but didn't find any worms or bugs for him, so I headed to the house to find a piece of bread.  He waited for me.  So odd.

He ate some of the cornbread but didn't act like he was hungry.   He flew up to the front porch and checked out Robert.  I set out a dish of water and brought the piece of cornbread up the stairs.  

The next day he came back and he got on Robert's shoulder.  We got him some more bread and water.  he continued to follow us around but didn't eat much.  Again, so very odd.

On the third day, Robert got a basket of crickets. The juvenile crow wanted to chase them and catch them, but then dropped them and left them on the concrete driveway.  So I picked one up and held it and he took it and ate a little and dropped it again.  After the fourth try, he got a little more interested and held one down with his foot and tore it in half.  He ate the half in his mouth and left the other parts.  I guess he has to figure it out.  I picked up the half-dead crickets that were still moving a bit and held them up until the he ate more of them.  

I fixed a tub of water and splashed my hand in it.  It was big enough that he could play in it, but he did not want water on him.  He drank a little and then went and played in the mud puddle that was growing larger from a new leak in my hose.  He did not like the water spraying out of the hose to get on him. 

He followed me around again as I watered the plants.  When I took a break, he got on my shoulder.  I tried to pet him a time or two, but he did not want me to touch him. 

The boy that lives across the road from us told us that his friend (a few houses down) saved that baby bird when it fell out of the nest and has been feeding him. I guess it has just learned to fly and is checking out the neighbors!

That makes a lot more sense!