Healed, girl on beach, inspirational painting

"Healed"

20 x 24 inches

This inspirational painting is full of symbolism. 

I started this as just a wave. Made it up for fun, but It kept making me cry as many of my earliest memories are from when my family was stationed in Hawaii. My step father was in the Coast Guard. He abused me, even burnt me once with a hot iron. So I prayed about it and began to see the root of the lies: believing I was unwanted and unloved, a terrible person from the start. 

As I worked on it, The Lord gave me a new perspective and his words of truth from scriptures in the Holy Bible. Forgiving others, renouncing the lies, forgiving myself, and accepting the Father's love have helped me overcome years of battling with bouts of depression. 

Life was hard: a different step father, more abuse, foster homes, and then failed marriages. 

While praying, I saw Jesus and me playing on the beach, and decided to put a little girl in the painting. Then I added the shadow of a cross, and the face of Jesus. I made the rain blowing away.  I added an angel dancing in the clouds, and a dove coming down the wave near the girls head, to symbolize the Holy Spirit. 

Then I noticed the shallow wave encircling the girl actually resembled a heart, so I enhanced it to symbolize the love of God our Father, the Good Father, who makes life turn around for good in spite of everything that comes against us.

Faith, the substance of things hoped for

So much sorrow in the world.  So much pain and suffering.  Not only from terrorists and evil forces, but just in everyday living.  We all have loved ones we ache for.

My pastor's wife recently shared a truth with me that has helped me walk through the shadow of death with my mother-in- law.  My husband also faces serious health issues. Sometimes I feel like my life revolves around suffering and death.

"Hold your hands out, palms up and say, 'Father, I receive the strength and the grace you have already provided for me for this situation,' instead of continually asking.  It's alright to ask, but we also need to receive!"

This is especially helpful when my faith is not so strong, and the tears have taken over.  Now I am seeing the Father's hand at work. Prayers are being answered, and faith grows.  Not just in me, but in those I pray for too.

May Daddy God, Abba Father, put his truth in your mouth as you do the work and study his word! May he bless you and your loved ones mightily!

Christ- Mass

It was called a mass for Christ.  Yet we focus on all the rush and business of this time of year.  Me included.  Just breath.  Slow down.  It isn't going to all be perfect, it isn't going to make every one happy, and I am not able to make it all as I think it should be!  So take a step back, laugh at all the stress and expectations and set them aside.

If I don't send the cards out on time, oh well.  If I don't get a certain gift for a certain child, oh well.  We have the whole year to give and bless and love each other!!!!  Why do we wait for one day out the year?

There, now I feel better.  Enjoy the beauty of the season, pray a lot, and ask God to show us how we can do something to help those in need, all year.

Merry Christmas!

Undoing the traditions of stress

I am not sure how it happens, things just get out of hand.  Used to keep it all simple, like baking cookies for my friends.  Now I rush about trying to find the right gifts, trying to get something in the mail, wanting so much to use this opportunity to reach out and touch others as so many have done for me.  Yet I find myself in tears, frustrated, out of time, and out of money. I am not sure how I lost sight of the true meaning of this beautiful season.

Today I slow down, take a breath, and remind myself that if things are late then they are late!  If it doesn't happen now, it can happen latter!  I don't have to wait all year for one day to tell people I love them or to do something special.  It can happen whenever it happens.  America has made the Holidays into traditions of stress, and deadlines, and even worse, debt.

I heard this and it really helped me: make a plan, talk it out with your spouse, stick to your budget, and do something for the Lord first.  The rest will work out fine with or with out you!

So I am making some hand crafted ornaments, baking some cookies, and enjoying the kids.

Merry Christmas and have a very blessed New Year all year long!

gifts

Just read a great book called One Thousand Gifts,  by Voskamp.  Hard to get through it.  So challenging on every level.

My paintings have always been a way of thanking the Good Lord for the wonders of nature.  But now I am thanking him for the not so beautiful and wonderful things in life too.  

I have this deep ugly scar on my stomach, from my belly button down.  It has been 6 months since the surgery, and still it is tender and itchy.  When my appendix ruptured, and I didn't know it for a couple of weeks, it messed up my female organs.   It encapsulated on my ovary, and everything became a gooey sticky mess. (Which actually saved my life by containing the poisons.) They took it all out, a complete hysterectomy and an appendectomy.

Instant menopause has been quite difficult.  More difficult than I could have imagined.  

This book of gifts has helped me see it all in a new way.  I was honestly thankful for another chance at life, but this is different.  Now I see my scar as beautiful.  I no longer cringe at the sight of it.  And now I laugh (instead of crying) at my new weird personality changes. I am a full spectrum, like a teenager with raging hormones, and not usually the good ones. My poor husband doesn't know which side of me will burst out next!  But he is patient, and I have found that his love is enduring.  

On a deeper level, my deep scars of child abuse and foster homes are also a beautiful thing.  The healing is going to another level.  Not just being ok with it all, but being able to thank the Almighty for all of it.

Just needed to put that out there.  

I want to start a new challenge: to paint a thousand gifts.  Not sure what form it will take yet.  Don't feel that I can do one every day again, but I do want to set something in motion. I want it to be paintings of things in a new point of view:  unexpected or maybe several gifts all in one painting, even if they don't really go together. Some will be of things that aren't so beautiful, yet they will have significance.   I think it will be like a poem with images.  

Don't have time, really.  Summer art programs to create, and a gallery to run.  But I believe this is something I will lose sleep over if I don't do it! So it will be a new series, and a wonderful challenge, and I am excited to see where it takes me.

Major surgery

 I had to undergo major surgery the week before Christmas. It was rather sudden and I haven't posted anything in a very long time.  That is a long story, so I will share it after I give you an update on this very busy year!

 It has been 2 years since Robert’s last brain surgery, and the follow up tests have shown the tumor is dead and
shrinking away from his brain!  His prognosis is good.  The surgeries were successful.  We are thanking the Father for that!
He needs no more radiation, and is doing well.  He drives his truck, goes fishing when he wants, and now he takes care of me!!!!  Amazing!

 Last spring, when Robert no longer needed me home so much, I began working as a substitute teacher.
This was in addition to teaching my after school art classes 3 days a week. (I rented a room from a gallery in town and taught about 7 kids at a time on the average.  I had room for 10, but it was quite crowded.)

 I also needed to take a few college classes in order to get my teaching certification reinstated.  So I used the money from subbing to pay for the classes.  Needless to say, all this became a lot to juggle.

Got it all done in time, got everything lined up, and applied for a position at the Freshmen Campus High-school, to teach art again.  But when I did not get the job,  I was confused, because the timing and deadlines had all worked out perfectly, and I was sure I would get the position.  Well, Robert was so happy about it, that it made me realize he really didn’t want me to work fulltime again.

  That meant a lot to me!

Just after that, the gallery I worked at sold. Things didn't work out there with the new owners, but I really love teaching and wasn't ready to give up my little classes and loose all my students.

 That is when Robert suggested we look for a place with a little more room, and said he would help me if I wanted to open my own teaching center. That was in the beginning of October. By the end of October we
 had a little Art Gallery and Teaching Center opened and the classes transitioned smoothly, right from one place to another!

We call it Fawn’s Studio.   I cannot explain how wonderful it is to have as many classes as I want, have plenty of room for everyone (up to 12 students), and be able to show my paintings too. 

 I have taken in commissions, sold original paintings and prints of my work, added new classes, and picked up a few more students.  Things were going so well you had to pull me down out of the clouds…..

  In the middle of November I had some strange and wonderful dreams.  I thought they were just nice dreams, but now I see there was a lot more to it.  In one of them, Jesus held me and we talked about past hurts and the need for forgiveness. 

In another, we rode horses through the mountains and he showed me some beautiful places.  He told me I could stay if I wanted.

  In yet another dream, He asked me if I wanted to live, really wanted to live, and if I was willing to do whatever it took to fight for my life. 

In the dream I answered yes, and I thanked him for all the wonderful things in my life:  All my family, my grandchildren, my husband, my friends, and this community that has supported me in my new business.  I thought this was an odd dream, and pretty much forgot about it.

  In another dream he said I would go through some hard things, but he wanted me to remember that he was with me and would use the doctors to heal me.  He put his hand on the right side of my stomach and prayed for me.

At this time, I had no signs of anything wrong, and I was thinking it must just be menopause or something, because all my tests last year came back with a clean bill of health.  Within a couple of days, I had severe abdominal pain, and a few days after that I began hemorrhaging.   I went to my gynecologist because the amount of hemorrhaging got worse. 

 She said it was clearly not menopause, and something very serious was going on.  She ordered tests that day, and they found a tumor that was as large as an orange, which had replaced my right ovary. The uterus was swollen and full of cysts as well, so she scheduled a hysterectomy right away. 

Of course I was not all in for that, especially since they had to cut me open to get the tumor out, and there are other “less invasive” procedures. When everything came back negative for cancer, I was sure she was just overreacting to want to rush through this.  I wanted to wait until after the holidays and not have to close up my new studio. so I started looking for another doctor for a second opinion, but nothing worked out, just before the holidays and all.  

Robert insisted we not put this off, and get it taken out right away. He said, “If the tumor grew that large that fast, it could easily turn into cancer.”  My doctor was very straightforward and answered all my questions.She explained that with a tumor that size, she would have an oncologist present during the surgery, and he would do a frozen section to make sure they got the whole thing out all in one piece. Then he would test it right there for any signs of cancer within the tumor.  So I agreed to go ahead right away.  

Next we had all the tests for pre-op to do. The EKG showed a blockage on the left side of my heart.  So I went through 2 stress tests, and passed them both.  The blockage was only in the electrical frequency, the signals weren’t flowing correctly, and this was monitored.  So the final approval for the surgery went through the day before I had surgery.

By then my arms were bruised from all the needles and tests, and I was hanging on to every word I could remember in those wonderful dreams.  I knew Jesus had prayed for me, and I was going to be ok.

My doctor, Trinada Garcia, is married to a general surgeon, Manuel Garcia.  Dr. M. Garcia had removed Robert’s gall bladder a year before his first brain surgery. He often joins his wife, Dr. T. Garcia, in surgery, which turned out to be life saving for me. When they cut me open, they did not find a tumor.  The oncologist was happy, no cancer was found. Praise the Lord for that!  

What they found, however, was that my appendix had ruptured and plastered itself to my ovary.  They were amazed that the poisons were encapsulated and sealed off from the rest of me.  (Many people die from a ruptured appendix. )  If Dr. T. Garcia had done a less invasive procedure, as I had asked, those poisons could have spread all through me.  Dr. M Garcia took out the sticky gooey mass, cleaned out all the poisons, and Dr. T. Garcia did a complete hysterectomy.  I am so grateful how everyone came together on my behalf to save my life!

  I have a whole new lease on life, and my husband has been waiting on me hand and foot! Hard to believe, but he is actually doing all the laundry, cooking the meals, and cleaning the kitchen….

 It has all been one miracle after another. The recovery process is going well. 4 to 6 weeks......

  I am so thankful to be alive, and am really looking forward to re-opening my little studio!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!

Commissions

Not too long ago, I was struggling with the economy, like everybody. Art sales were slow, and art classes not filling up. I was thinking about going back to work at the public schools, at least subbing until a teaching position opened up.....

But Robert doesn't want me too go back to work, and I really feel like I am suppose to stick with selling my paintings on-line. So I prayed and asked the Lord to send the right people my way, to bless my paintings and help me learn to market and sell things better.

As I prayed I felt like God was asking me to not sell certain paintings. (Like my little angel paintings.) Then, when I started to put a few paintings on ebay at lower prices, I felt it strongly in my spirit that that was not the way to go. So I prayed again and asked God to help me understand, because it made no sense to me. It seemed like His leading was not a very good strategy at all!

"Lord Jesus, I really need to make some money if I am going to be able to pay my bills and order art supplies!" was my cry, but who am I to question the Almighty? So I was obedient to how I felt He was leading me. On some of my paintings I wrote "contact me for availability" instead of the normal price with a "Buy Now" button.

The very next day, after changing some of my sales to 'Not for sale', or 'contact me for availability' I had an inquiry about an angel painting. Normally I would have sold a small one for a hundred dollars, and that would have been the end of it. But once again I felt like God said "that painting is for me, I don't want you to sell it!" I was thrilled that my Father in heaven likes my paintings, and I was beginning to understand that they have great value to Him. I responded to my new client in a way that I never had before. I simply told him that I would love to paint a similar painting for him in a different size!

This lead to several new commissioned paintings. Now I get new inquiries almost every day! I have never been this busy! I love being able to stay home and work in my studio, and I love my job! What a great blessing!

I am working on 3 to 4 paintings at a time, working on one while another one dries. I also have some large works that have been ordered. I just keep thinking that I could have missed the whole thing! I would be selling a few small ones for very little, in hopes of getting people to see the more expensive pieces -- paying more fees to try to make a few sales...... I also would have sold the little angel painting, and that would have been the end of it.

I am so thankful, and so amazed at Father God's grace and goodness. Who am I that He would hear my prayers? Even in our selfishness and complaining, He still loves us and helps us!

Grace happens too

So my sister has been upset with me, my car is not running, and my days are filled with painting porches and signs instead of my daily paintings to post for sale.......

I got kind of down for a few days, and then my kids kind of disappointed me. So I am planning nothing for mothers day, and I guess I was feeling unloved. Robert let it get to him too, my downward swing. I felt bad about that because he has been doing so well now.

So today I began to thank my Father God for all the good things and started feeling better. Then I asked Him to help us get through this rough financial time, to have the money to fix the car, and finish some of the major projects around the house. This evening I got over $500.00 in the mail, for art related endeavors, and will be able to get my car up and going again!

I took the time to finish a couple of paintings too, and now I am looking forward to what good things are on the way next!

Thanksgiving for surgery

So very much to be thankful for:
No more wheel chair for Robert-- he is using a walker now.
He no longer sits in silence, he reads the paper and talks on the phone.
His hands no longer shake and he can do most things for himself again.
He tells jokes and laughs at those that are told to him.

What a miracle!

Turned out that the bigger problem was excess fluid putting pressure on his brain, so much so that he lost mobility and dexterity, not to mention speech and normal thought processes. The last week before the neurosurgeon put the shunt in his head to drain the excess fluids, I thought I had lost him forever. Last Friday was the surgery, and we came home Tues. just two days ago.

Today is Thanksgiving day, and I have not been so grateful for anything in my whole life as I have for this. To watch someone so strong become so helpless, and to watch them fade away and become so vacant . . .there are no words to describe the agony and helplessness I felt.

And now to watch him come back to life, back to his personality, back to finding hope to go on . . . Wow. God is good, and I thank him over and over for using the doctors to save my husband.

Now we have to see what can be done about this little tumor in his ear . . . I am sure only more good things are on the way.

radiation?

So we saw the surgeon about an acoustic neuroma that Robert has in his inner ear, it is pressing on his brain and we must do something.

The surgeon does not want to take it out, Robert is diabetic, and has just gotten over pneumonia.
He is referring us to a Neurosurgeon that does Gamma knife surgery. (please excuse my spelling! so many new words, and I have a hard enough time with everyday words!) Anyway, it is not like regular radiation, very precise rays converge at the tumor to kill it.

Risks are high no matter what we do, so we are getting more tests run and talking to more doctors. Robert has to decide on something, and he doesn't want to do anything. They tell us that is not an option, as blindness and paralysis is next.

I believe God is greater than all this, and no matter what Robert decides to do he will be fine. God can shrink tumors, and He can dissolve them too. Already the neuropathy in Robert's feet is fading away, they said that wasn't possible too! But he is ticklish now in his feet! Just a few weeks ago the doctors ran tests and he had no feeling on the bottom of his feet! I believe it is the first of many things God will do. He is letting me know he hears our prayers and He cares. Can't tell you how much hope it gives me!

Thanks for your prayers and thoughts!

Robert

Life is so up and down these days. I have to keep living. Everything says that nothing matters anymore. Some days my husband, Robert, gives up the fight and just wants to go on to heaven.

He has been diagnosed with a small tumor in his inner ear, pressing on the brain. It is not cancerous, Thank God, but his balance is off these days, hard for him to walk straight now. Next month we see a surgeon to find out if they will be able to remove it.

The headaches are worse, and he sleeps a lot now, at least in the day. The nights are long, sleep comes in small doses. It is as if time has stopped for us. Schedules do not matter, food doesn't get eaten, even favorite dishes are stared and poked at.

I am selfish. I hang on, I know he is in pain, but I can't let him give up, I can't let go of hope that he will get better. I counter every hopeless suggestion with God's word and truth, I will not let him speak death . . .

Am I wrong? Is death merciful? At least for him I am sure it is. I am too selfish. I cannot go there. I freak out just thinking about it. So I pray for healing, I search for remedies, I sit with him for long empty hours. We wait.

Next month we will see.

I try to live, I try to paint my pictures, I try to smile and say the right things. I try to find reasons to laugh, to get him to laugh. I miss his laugh.

Sometimes I just sit and stare at my canvas, I can't think straight, I can't focus. I know it is there for me. Painting has always been my way to cope, my escape. But for now I have to force myself to create something, anything. I just don't see that anything matters anymore. I know better, but some days I can't get there.

The Sabbath

The Sabbath means a day of rest. Saturday or Sunday for most, but if you take your day off in the middle of week that is good too, as long as you give yourself a day of rest! Our Creator knew we needed that or we would get to run down.

There is another kind of rest too, it is spiritual. The Almighty does not intend for us to try so hard to be perfect, or to keep up with man's rules of religion. These things appear good, but really keep us from really getting close God by keeping us too busy and distracted.

Jesus came to set us free from rules and burdens. We can trust him to lead us, teach us, and work in our lives, and we can pray anywhere -- anytime. He is already pleased with us, we are already accepted, and he made a way for us to be close to The Father. He forgives us and He makes us righteous in God's eyes. Too many religions tell us what we have to do to be accepted by God, they are way off base. Jesus says to believe in Him because we are accepted by God! He does the work in us, through us, and for us. He gives us rest.

I am part of a non-denominational church, so we don't have a bunch of rules. Everyone is welcome to join, no membership. We spend a lot of time praying and singing, we study the Bible, and we help each other through the rough times. It is truly a place of peace and rest! Those who have been hurt by religious people (like me) can find hope again. The Holy Spirit shows up and heals people of sickness and diseases, and God touches the broken hearted. It is amazing to see so many miracles so often!

Isn't that what Jesus commanded his people to do? Heal the sick, preach the good news, and cast out devils? Most religions are not doing that! If they aren't, then maybe they are off base in their teachings!

I have been thinking a lot about peace and rest. It is hard to not stress out these days, hard to trust God when your life is falling apart. I have watched my husband turn away from God's truth, and watched him struggle just to breath. We have been back and forth to the hospital. I know God will touch him and strengthen him, if he will ask. I know Our Father wants good things for us. We don't have to die from disease and illness. He will call our name when it is time to go. So why is it so hard for us to seek God? Why do we turn away so easily? Me included. I am trying to read His Word more, and trying to let go of all the "what if"s. It is a process, we don't change overnight!

I know God's timing is perfect and he will take care of every detail. He has always provided. I think we are here to prove that even in the midst of trouble we will choose to love and serve God. I think it hurt Him deeply when his angels turned away from him, and he wants us to make that choice now, not later. I don't have scripture for that, it is just my thoughts rambling on.

Your comments are welcome!

Click here to see my painting "The Sabbath."

Nothing

For the first time in my life I have no pets, and no kids at home. I have quit teaching at the public school, and I plan to do nothing! Nothing except paint pictures and sell my art. But that isn't at all how it is going. I am cleaning out things, re-arranging things, cooking more for my husband, running all kinds of errands, and finding constant interruptions to my creativity.

I am excited about the many new opportunities that await me. I want to do nothing -- except what I believe God is leading me to do. I am so tired of trying so hard to do everything my way and then asking him to bless it. I am learning that if I just slow down and ask first, then things work out in unbelievable ways!

I feel like I am suppose to write a book. I am not skilled in this area, but I am going to try. I have so many remarkable things in my life to write about: I moved almost every year; I was held hostage when I was just four years old, and I was a foster child as a teenager. The most remarkable thing is that I am OK. Sometimes that is questionable, but for the most part I am happily married and live a well rounded life. I give Thanks to God for the people he has put in my life that have helped me to heal emotionally. I am sure there is more healing to come too!

So I guess this will be a place for me to just talk about what is on my mind or what I am struggling through. Maybe I'll post some of my poems too.

Have a great Day!