- Mostly, I sat at my easel and cried. During the day, I held it back, stayed busy, kept the positive upbeat Christian music on, and then when I got still at my easel, the waves of sorrow showed up. (Even with the music and the prayers of thanks for the good things in my life.)
- After a few brush strokes, the tears started again. Especially if it was a painting Kyle liked or gave me ideas for. Which he loved to do. He came in my studio often to see what I was working on, picked my brain, and gave me great ideas.
- Somedays I got frustrated and angry at every little thing in daily life. When I was at my easel it showed up. So, I repainted, changed the colors, undid, redid, or tried a different approach. Sometimes I destroyed the work in progress with broad strokes of white paint.
- I painted over one in varying shades of gray. I think maybe it might make a nice background for a rainbow or something one day.
- I came to a dark place of believing God had taken this gift of creativity away from me. I gave it up. Laid it down and asked him to show me if he wanted me to keep trying. I asked him to show me His way and guide me. That's when I had some positive painting sessions.
- I have cancelled all custom paintings and refunded downpayments. I'm currently not accepting commissions.
- I'm creating small things with no deadlines, and no emotional attachment. I recently finished the three paintings above. That is encouraging. (Click on an image for information about the paintings).
- Also, I started teaching one small group a week for my homeschool students. This has been very positive. I love working with kids.
- Still wake up with bad dreams, crying in the night and/or the morning, but not as often.
- I have accepted some framing orders. This has also been positive. It keeps me busy and gets my mind off of the painful memories of Kyle's suffering his last month, and off of my poor choices I made his last week and the weeks just after he went to heaven. I was just freaking out and had complete breakdowns. I couldn't drive 3 hours to Miami when he passed in the middle of the night. I had a major melt down a few days before when I got turned around down there. I was the only one that wasn't there for his new journey. It made everything worse with my family.
- I don't see my grandchildren much anymore. Sometimes it overwhelms me. Unbearable heart ache.
- For 2 and a half years I was available 24/7 if Kyle had to have treatments or was staying in the hospital. Took them to school, picked them up, kept them overnight, or whatever, whenever. I miss them terribly.
- Two friends of mine passed away in the last 3 weeks. One much older and one much younger.
- I had more major meltdowns last week. Thought I was handling things better, but after a luncheon with a group of friends, I fell apart again.
- I've also avoided a few get-togethers with my family, so I don't have to deal with it or cause them more pain. I know I cause them the most pain of anyone. I hate it that I can't fix it.
- After that I realized I have to stop beating myself up. I'm working on forgiving myself: I tell myself it wouldn't have mattered anyway; we would have shut each other out to try to ease the pain regardless if I had been there or not.
- For now, I have to accept this season and pray that in time our relationships will heal.
- The thing that helps the most is watching my words: He's not dead, he's not gone, he is in a better place, I will see him again, I will get to hold him and kiss his face, and one day my grandchildren will know I am still grandma, and I still love them, hopefully in this life. This is my hope. This keeps me from letting the depression take me out.
Monday, August 25, 2025
5 months
Tuesday, May 27, 2025
He truly is in a better place
Someone said to me last Sunday that they didn't like it when people said things like, 'They are in a better place." He went on about things people say to try to be encouraging.
I said, "It really is comforting for me to remember that he is happy now and not suffering. He is free and full of energy and life. He gets to talk to Jesus and have all the hard questions answered too. He truly is in a better place, and I get to see him again one day."
This is all I have to find peace of mind. If I let go of my faith in all this sorrow, then I may not rise above it at all. I don't know how anyone can survive this kind of heartache without faith.
The Bible does not say that we become angels or that we get wings; it says we become higher than the angels and we will rule with Christ! Father God has work for us to do. We are here to choose. We must choose to follow Jesus, live His ways, ask for His wisdom and His strength, and walk in the power of His Holy Spirit to overcome the trials. He will not force His ways on us. We must learn and choose here on earth before we are welcomed into His Kingdom. The Kingdom of Darkness will do everything it can to destroy our lives. Right now, it is hard to fight and hard to believe, but I know He is faithful and will help me through this.
Friday, May 2, 2025
One day at a time

Monday, April 21, 2025
Joy in the sorrow. Started painting again.
Wednesday, April 9, 2025
Turning point
Trying to get out of the dark thoughts. Not easy. The depression is overwhelming. If I don't fight it, it takes me under.
~ I have to let myself off the hook. I did what I believed was best for Kyle, even when he hated me for it. Like making him move out when he was 18 and didn't want to work or go to school. (He went to live with his dad.) Or when I called the police on him once for having illegal substances in the house. (Kyle had about 2 years of rebellion as a teenager, and then he got himself back on track. I was so proud of him for sticking to his promise to me that he would finish his program and stay clean.) I was raised in a family of alcoholism and drugs. I had always told my boys if they brought that into our home, I would call the police. So, I had to. I wanted him to face the consequences. "Tough love" they called it. So hard to do. He held that against me for a long time.
~ I have to forgive myself for all the "what ifs" and "should haves..." Kyle was a good son, and he turned out to be a good man, a good husband, and a good father. The Lord helped me raise him, and I did the best I could.
~ I have to let go of the hurts, perceived or real, intentional or not, and not hold onto the offenses. I have to forgive myself and others. Truly forgive and not keep running the events through my head.
~ I need to focus on the positives and throw out the negatives if I am going to get back to living.
~ Kathryn was good for him. He was happy. She was a good wife and a good caregiver. She walked through the darkest days with him and never left his side. I am so thankful for her love and dedication to him.
~ Kyle and I shared a close bond. No one can take that from me. I have many wonderful memories and treasured moments with him.
~ I will adjust, I will not stay in this destructive place. Sometimes I don't want to live, but I will find peace with it, even though I'm sure my heart will never be the same.
~ I know God does no wrong, Yet I feel wronged. I must let go of that and "forgive" Him (in a sense). I can't see the whole picture. I must accept that this was best for Kyle. Plus, I have hope that I will see him again.
Venting
For the last two years, I have been scolded by several people, including my husband, for being too emotional, looking up the facts about my son's cancer, or saying anything about him going to heaven. As if that could stop God from doing a miracle. I can know the facts and still believe for a miracle.
I did believe. I honestly thought there was a great ministry ahead for Kyle. So many restored relationships and inner healings had happened. I just knew he would have a marvelous testimony. I was sure God would heal him completely and restore the gifts he had as a child.
From the time he was 5 or so, he prayed for me many times. Mostly for back issues or headaches. and the pain would leave. He prayed for others too. And every night he had a list of people he prayed for. Both of my boys did.
One time he saw a woman working in Walmart grab her head in pain, and he asked her if he could pray for her. She nodded, and he put his hand on her head and prayed silently. The headache was gone! He was around 9 years old. He told me he could feel the energy flow, and a few times he felt the rejection from the person he prayed for. And then no healing would come. That was the last time he prayed like that (that I knew of).
After that, his father left, his Nana died, and his cousin and his best friend both moved away. All in a year or so. I had no job and no money. I had to go to work full-time. Until then, I worked part-time and had never left my boys alone. So, in a sense, they lost me as well. I tried to reach him, but he inverted and shut everyone out. A few years later, in high school, he started turning things around. He overcame many obstacles. But he was never the same.
With the cancer came many deep discussions about those wounds we all carried. So much resentment and anger had built up over the years. So many good memories were lost and so many were twisted -- for both of us. The kingdom of darkness spins a strong web. We untangled it with the Lord's help. Most of it. It was healing for us and so good for me to have him back in my life and be a part of his long hard journey.
Sunday, April 6, 2025
My Son
Had a memorial for my son, Kyle, yesterday. Saddest days ever.
He battled cancer for more than two years. He was a father of
two and was no longer serving in the Air Force. The ocular melanoma grew quickly. In a few
weeks, his left eye was removed. Horrific, but no cancer had spread to his
brain. The cancer metastasized in his abdomen near the kidney, which is very
rare as it usually spreads to the liver or the lungs. Now it was uveal
melanoma. The immunotherapy was successful and the tumor died. We celebrated when
the tests and scans all came back clear.
He even took summer courses at the local college.
I think it was three PET scans that came back clear and they
were going to stop treatments. But the
last test showed a spot on his liver.
Then it was two spots. More aggressive treatments were started. Then an
ablation to burn off the smaller tumor.
This made the liver swell and the larger tumor grew and the smaller one
did not die.
No one talked openly about the severity of it. I looked it up to learn that most people only
live 5 to 7 months once it is in the liver.
It is fast-growing and aggressive.
Nothing worked. No surgery was
done as the swollen liver made it impossible to discern where the tumor started
and ended. Two surgeons rejected the surgery.
He became very sick from the treatments, and by the time
he got to a new cancer facility, it had spread to more than fifty percent of
his liver. He was no longer a candidate
for clinical trials.
Again, no one was open or honest about the facts, not even
the doctors. During the last 9 months,
we all tried to be strong for the kids. We
watched my son suffer terribly for the last two months as his kidneys shut
down. Dialysis worked for a couple of weeks. He was able to hold some food down
and had less pain. Even his last week in
the hospital they gave us false hope with more dialysis and new treatment plans
for the liver.
I treasure the precious
time we shared. The times I stayed with him in the hospital while his wife took
care of the kids, and the times they all stayed at our house. He shared his strong faith, telling me it was
going to be okay because he would get a miracle and get to stay here for his
family, or he would get to be with Jesus and be completely healed.
Rivers of tears have been shed. Complete emotional meltdowns are less frequent. The strangest things can trigger it. My heart pounds, races, and aches. Sharp pains stab my chest sometimes. Feels like I'm shattering apart. Physical collapses too. I have had to lay down on the floor a couple of times and wait it out. Weak from not eating much. No appetite and it makes me feel sick to my stomach.
Yet, I’m also thankful he is no longer suffering. I remind myself I will see him again and of all the wonderful things he is doing now. That helps me shake off the dark thoughts.
My grandson (7 years old) comforts me. I treasure his little hugs and tight squeezes.
We mixed up everyone's images for the slide show. (I had too many pictures of Kyle when he was little.) That way if some of the images didn’t get shown at the end it would be random. Precious memories.
I spent hours going through my old photos and taking pictures of them to have them on my phone. Then I emailed them to myself so I could edit them before I put them on the jump drive. Then I took them to the funeral home. It was a wonderful way to keep busy and not feel useless. Sometimes it didn’t stop the tears, but I relived beautiful memories.
Then there were the framed images to put on the table. I am a professional artist. I also did custom framing for years. I put the images in expensive frames and custom-cut the glass, mats, and foam-core backing. It turned out nice and not crowded.
It all turned out amazing. We honored him well. Had military honors for him and had three of his pastors share.
That was so good to my soul.
Wish I would have written out at least one of my stories to share. Kyle was a prayer warrior by 6 years old. He had gifts of healing for others. He saw things in the spirit realm and drew
pictures of the angels he saw. He was hit by a car at 7 years old and the bike
was mangled up under the car and he was not hurt. He was sitting on the side of the road in a
daze. “An angel caught me, Mama, it
pulled me away from the car!” And his friend saw him “float” away from the car. (Those are just a few.)
So many wonderful things I want to share. Maybe I'll write some and share them when I can put my thoughts together again.
Pray for me, please.
My heart is in a million pieces.
Sometimes I can’t breathe. I know
he’s in a better place, and I know he is dancing with Jesus, and seeing all our
loved ones, but I miss him so much.
Obituary information for Kyle Marvin Jenkins
Monday, April 8, 2024
Getting back to "normal"
Is there such a thing?
Maybe not, but I'm not in as much pain! I wear the brace only when I'm working in the yard or doing something stressfull to my hand.
I'm so excited to be back to painting and using my right hand! It's been 9 months of wearing a brace and dealing with pain from a torn tendon.
I have been painting more, but haven't finished anything lately. It just feels good to be able to do it. I even did some framing a few days ago. I was able to miter some custom frames from my home inventory from closing my shop down in 2020. That molding is almost gone now.
I'm working on setting up my home studio for teaching again. I have to find a way to store things elsewear in the house! I have so many paintings from my gallery that need to stay in airconditioning, but some things can go in the garage. (I have my miter saw and underpinner out there.)
Anyway, I am so thankful for new directions and the ability to do things again!!!!
Click here to view my summer art classes!
Monday, November 27, 2023
A Little Off
Really tough year:
~ Watched my son, Kyle, suffer and battle cancer. He lost his left eye last December to ocular melanoma. Horrific. He has been undergoing cancer treatments for a small tumor near his kidney for most of this year. Thankfully the tumor is almost gone!
~ I lost a dear friend to cancer. I miss her terribly.
~ I injured my right hand/wrist while doing yard work about five months ago (I'm right-handed.) Torn tendon. I reinjured it thinking it was fine after a month or so. It went from bad to worse. Sharp pain and no strength. Now I wear a brace that immobilizes my thumb and keeps my wrist from bending. Seeing an orthopedic doctor.
~ I have stopped teaching my after-school art classes for now. I'm still doing small semi-private groups. Which is actually a very nice pace.
~ Actually started creating a painting with my left hand, what a mess! It is slow and cumbersome, but I'm making progress. I'm surprised at how my left-hand cramps and gets tired so easily. I did not realize how strong my dominant hand is in comparison!
~ I have seen the restoration of broken relationships as a result of these hardships.
~ I have become available to keep the grandkids at odd hours when Kyle has early treatments in Miami or has to rush to the ER.
~ I have learned to be patient when I'm in pain and/or overwhelmed with emotion.
~ I have grown in faith and found strength I did not know existed.
~ I'm still a little off, but I see everything differently now. I have truly grown.
~ I believe we are better off having overcome things and learning from them than staying stuck in old habits.
Praying for better things in 2024!
Thursday, July 27, 2023
Amazing Frames
- Artwork on paper like this should be framed behind glass with a mat around it to keep it off of the glass and protect it. The same is true for photographs and prints on paper.
- This frame has a fun pattern in gold. The mat is a double mat with the bottom mat in a red accent.
- Art created on canvas or wood should not be framed behind glass.
- Original oils and acrylics are usually done on canvas or wood and need to breathe.
- Artwork created on paper or mat board should be framed behind glass with a mat to keep the image off of the glass. This is true for photos, prints, and posters as well. (Glass can trap moisture and ruin the image.)
- If you are purchasing a ready-made frame for an image on paper, be sure to add room for a mat, or purchase one with the mat.
- Art created on canvas (or wood) does not fit in ready-made frames that are designed for photos and prints.
- Custom framing can be quite expensive. Everything is designed to create the perfect fit so the mat is centered around the art evenly. The materials are acid-free and the glass has UV protection. Even the foam-core backing should be acid-free.
- Unfortunately, many shops do not use acid-free materials, or they will skip it for the backing. (Be sure to ask for it)! Acid-free materials slow down the aging process that yellow and crack the image.
- The frame moldings are often imported from Italy or France. The quality and the unique styles enhance the art and complement your décor. They are made to last for many years.
(I am currently offering custom framing through Okeechobee Main Street's frame shop, by appointment only. I have over ten years of experience!)