My Son

 

Had a memorial for my son, Kyle, yesterday.  Saddest days ever.  

He battled cancer for more than two years. He was a father of two and was no longer serving in the Air Force.   The ocular melanoma grew quickly. In a few weeks, his left eye was removed. Horrific, but no cancer had spread to his brain. The cancer metastasized in his abdomen near the kidney, which is very rare as it usually spreads to the liver or the lungs. Now it was uveal melanoma. The immunotherapy was successful and the tumor died. We celebrated when the tests and scans all came back clear.  He even took summer courses at the local college.

I think it was three PET scans that came back clear and they were going to stop treatments.  But the last test showed a spot on his liver.  Then it was two spots. More aggressive treatments were started. Then an ablation to burn off the smaller tumor.  This made the liver swell and the larger tumor grew and the smaller one did not die. 

No one talked openly about the severity of it.  I looked it up to learn that most people only live 5 to 7 months once it is in the liver.  It is fast-growing and aggressive.   Nothing worked.  No surgery was done as the swollen liver made it impossible to discern where the tumor started and ended. Two surgeons rejected the surgery.

He became very sick from the treatments, and by the time he got to a new cancer facility, it had spread to more than fifty percent of his liver.  He was no longer a candidate for clinical trials.

Again, no one was open or honest about the facts, not even the doctors.  During the last 9 months, we all tried to be strong for the kids.  We watched my son suffer terribly for the last two months as his kidneys shut down. Dialysis worked for a couple of weeks. He was able to hold some food down and had less pain.  Even his last week in the hospital they gave us false hope with more dialysis and new treatment plans for the liver.

 I treasure the precious time we shared. The times I stayed with him in the hospital while his wife took care of the kids, and the times they all stayed at our house.  He shared his strong faith, telling me it was going to be okay because he would get a miracle and get to stay here for his family, or he would get to be with Jesus and be completely healed.

Rivers of tears have been shed. Complete emotional meltdowns are less frequent. The strangest things can trigger it. My heart pounds, races, and aches. Sharp pains stab my chest sometimes.  Feels like I'm shattering apart. Physical collapses too.  I have had to lay down on the floor a couple of times and wait it out. Weak from not eating much. No appetite and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. 

Yet, I’m also thankful he is no longer suffering. I remind myself I will see him again and of all the wonderful things he is doing now. That helps me shake off the dark thoughts.

My granddaughter pushes me away and shuts me out (which is typical for a 14-year-old). She was often moody and shut others out for the past two years.  Understandably so.

My grandson (7 years old) wants to comfort me.  I treasure his little hugs and tight squeezes.

My daughter-in-law, well, I have no clue.  I know she is angry at the world, and her whole world is upside-down, but so is mine.  It feels like I can do nothing right.  We are both defensive and overreacting, I’m sure.

As I share from my heart, my raw, honest thoughts and feelings, please remember I have an irrational mind these days.

I wasn’t included.  I showed up anyway for the meeting at the funeral home to discuss the services. My ex-husband and I agreed beforehand to let her make the decisions. 

My precious pictures of my young son were not wanted.  But I had to share them.  So many good memories.  Too many I suppose.  I told the lady preparing the slide show to delete some of mine if needed. (I didn’t care so much anymore.  I had my own copy for me and my family.)  She suggested we mix mine up with my ex-husband’s and my daughter-in -law’s images instead of doing a timeline.  That way if some of the images didn’t get shown at the end it would be random.  That sounded good to me and seemed to help the situation.

I spent hours going through my old photos and taking pictures of them to have them on my phone. Then I emailed them to myself so I could edit them before I put them on the jump drive. Then I took them to the funeral home. It was a wonderful way to keep busy and not feel useless.   Sometimes it didn’t stop the tears, but I relived beautiful memories.

I could not understand why anyone would object to the precious baby pictures and childhood pictures of my son.  I was deeply hurt on top of my already broken heart from his passing.  I had very few images that included me because I was the one who took the pictures. Many of them were with his brother, cousins, best friends, and/or his dad.  I wanted everyone to be included that loved him.

Then there were the framed images to put on the table.  I am a professional artist. I also did custom framing for years. I put the images in expensive frames and custom-cut the glass, mats, and foam-core backing.  Again, I was frustrated, hurt, and even angry when they weren’t wanted. I offered to frame some of hers too.  I finally said we didn’t have to display them because we had the slide show.  She decided she wanted them, so I downsized mine and did some of hers.  It turned out nice and not crowded.  She was right about that; it can get too crowded and overwhelming. 

By now I was over feeling rejected, left out, and hurt. I was angry.  Of course, I recognized it was not at her, it was just at everything. But I still thought she was wrong to not accept my help or input on things.  I couldn’t even answer questions while helping to decorate the church.  That sent me into a fit of tears and I had to leave for a bit.

It all turned out amazing. She honored him well.  And so did I.  She did military honors for him and had three of his pastors share. That was so good to my soul. 

However, no one asked me about my stories.  He was a prayer warrior by 6 years old.  He had gifts of healing for others.  He saw things in the spirit realm and drew pictures of the angels he saw. He was hit by a car at 7 years old and the bike was mangled up under the car and he was not hurt.  He was sitting on the side of the road in a daze.  “An angel caught me, Mama, it pulled me away from the car!” And his friend saw him “float” away from the car. (Those are just a few.)

So many wonderful things I wanted to share. At least one.  But not even one was shared.  Again, I was confused and hurt. 

 I want to honor my son too.  I want to share too. I want to be allowed to be honest about how I feel and not be scolded or misjudged for it. I might write some stories about him. But I might not be able to. We’ll see.

Pray for me, please.  My heart is in a million pieces.  Sometimes I can’t breathe.  I know he’s in a better place, and I know he is dancing with Jesus, and seeing all our loved ones, but I miss him so much.

Obituary information for Kyle Marvin Jenkins

Getting back to "normal"

 Is there such a thing?

Maybe not, but I'm not in as much pain! I wear the brace only when I'm working in the yard or doing something stressfull to my hand.  

I'm so excited to be back to painting and using my right hand!  It's been 9 months of wearing a brace and dealing with pain from a torn tendon. 

I have been painting more, but haven't finished anything lately.  It just feels good to be able to do it.  I even did some framing a few days ago. I was able to miter some custom frames from my home inventory from closing my shop down in 2020.  That molding is almost gone now. 

I'm working on setting up my home studio for teaching again.  I have to find a way to store things elsewear in the house! I have so many paintings from my gallery that need to stay in airconditioning, but some things can go in the garage. (I have my miter saw and underpinner out there.)

Anyway, I am so thankful for new directions and the ability to do things again!!!!

Click here to view my summer art classes!

A Little Off

 Really tough year:

~ Watched my son, Kyle, suffer and battle cancer.  He lost his left eye last December to ocular melanoma. Horrific. He has been undergoing cancer treatments for a small tumor near his kidney for most of this year.  Thankfully the tumor is almost gone! 

~ I lost a dear friend to cancer.  I miss her terribly.

~ I injured my right hand/wrist while doing yard work about five months ago (I'm right-handed.) Torn tendon. I reinjured it thinking it was fine after a month or so.  It went from bad to worse. Sharp pain and no strength.  Now I wear a brace that immobilizes my thumb and keeps my wrist from bending. Seeing an orthopedic doctor.

~ I have stopped teaching my after-school art classes for now. I'm still doing small semi-private groups. Which is actually a very nice pace. 

~ Actually started creating a painting with my left hand, what a mess! It is slow and cumbersome, but I'm making progress.  I'm surprised at how my left-hand cramps and gets tired so easily.  I did not realize how strong my dominant hand is in comparison!

~ I have seen the restoration of broken relationships as a result of these hardships.

~  I have become available to keep the grandkids at odd hours when Kyle has early treatments in Miami or has to rush to the ER.

~  I have learned to be patient when I'm in pain and/or overwhelmed with emotion.

~ I have grown in faith and found strength I did not know existed.

~ I'm still a little off, but I see everything differently now. I have truly grown.

~ I believe we are better off having overcome things and learning from them than staying stuck in old habits. 

Praying for better things in 2024! 

Amazing Frames

"Chilly Morning"

© Fawn McNeill 2005

Original Watercolor (Plein Air) 

Not available

• Artwork on paper like this should be framed behind glass with a mat around it to keep it off of the glass and protect it.  The same is true for photographs and prints on paper. 

• This frame has a fun pattern in gold.  The mat is a double mat with the bottom mat in a red accent. 

• Art created on canvas or wood should not be framed behind glass. 

• Original oils and acrylics are usually done on canvas or wood and need to breathe.  

• Artwork created on paper or mat board should be framed behind glass with a mat to keep the image off of the glass. This is true for photos, prints, and posters as well. (Glass can trap moisture and ruin the image.) 

• If you are purchasing a ready-made frame for an image on paper, be sure to add room for a mat, or purchase one with the mat.

• Art created on canvas (or wood) does not fit in ready-made frames that are designed for photos and prints.

• Custom framing can be quite expensive.  Everything is designed to create the perfect fit so the mat is centered around the art evenly.  The materials are acid-free and the glass has UV protection. Even the foam-core backing should be acid-free. 

•  Unfortunately, many shops do not use acid-free materials, or they will skip it for the backing. (Be sure to ask for it)!  Acid-free materials slow down the aging process that yellow and crack the image. 

• The frame moldings are often imported from Italy or France. The quality and the unique styles enhance the art and complement your décor. They are made to last for many years. 

(I am currently offering custom framing through Okeechobee Main Street's frame shop, by appointment only. I have over ten years of experience!)

Hot and destructive!

•  Must be the hottest summer ever! Up in the nineties and hundreds since early June. Humid too, feels like 115 degrees! It is hard to stay on task these days!

• I have destroyed nine or ten paintings in the past month.  Not out of frustration or anger, and not from the heat (I don't think), I just got tired of trying to fix older paintings that were never finished.  I thought I could brighten, rearrange, add more detail, or whatever. I thought I might like them better, but I decided it wasn't worth so many hours to try to resolve the issues.  It is always a risk to rework a painting, but sometimes it works out and the results are amazing, so I kept taking out another one and working on it until I saw that it was not working out.

• Each one ended up sanded down and re-primed, or thrown out. The underlying textures couldn't be undone and interfered with the direction I wanted to go.  Sometimes it is better to start fresh than to keep struggling through it.

• After the third time, I wondered what was really going on with me.  I haven't destroyed a painting in a long time. Why so many these days? Tired of so many unfished pieces? Don't care anymore? Frustrated?   
•  I'm still not sure what is going on with me, but I stopped pulling them out of storage - didn't want to destroy any more of them! (Some are worth the effort to hang onto until I figure out what to do with them next.)  

• Most of them were unfinished demonstration paintings that needed attention, but one was a medium to large painting that I wanted to go back over in a more impressionistic style, which I regretted that I messed with it.  But I didn't want to continue with the extreme detail I had started out with. Hours and hours of work just thrown out. 

•  My style is changing again.  I'm trying new ideas. Things don't come together like they used to. So I am backing off, searching for what really inspires me, and not taking it so seriously for now. 

• I am all over the place! I love detail, but I love painterly styles too. I like the abstract nature of reflections and moving water.  I like thick textures, but mostly on things like bark, wood, or rough water. I get bored easily and want to try new ideas and techniques.  

• Some judges have told me (over the years) that I need a consistent style and a more cohesive body of work.  But I honestly don't seem to be able to settle on any one way to create things.  I guess that's Ok too!

Joy comes

So many horrific things this past year:

1) In December 2022 my son, Kyle, lost his left eye to cancer.  Now he is undergoing treatment for a tumor near his kidney.

2) My husband has been in severe pain in his neck for several months and now in his lower back as well for the past two months.

3) My close friend, Sandy, has battled cancer off and on for years and now is back on a stronger treatment for cancer that has spread to other parts of her body.

4) Another close friend, Marie, lost her mother last year, and now her father has lost his leg to diabetes. 

5) I had heart issues that started last fall, (panic attacks, extremely low blood pressure, high pulse rates, racing heart, irregular heartbeats, an abnormal EKG, low blood count, abnormal size of blood cells. So many tests: more EKGs, Echo of my heart, extensive blood work, etc... 

I have cried a river of tears for my son and my friends.

But I have grown.  In the middle of all this, joy comes when you focus on the things you are thankful for.  

Good things have happened too:

1) I get to keep my grandchildren quite often, sometimes three times a week! 

2) This past week, Kyle had a good report: the tumor is shrinking.  So good to hear that!  

3) Yesterday, I also had a good report: although my heart was stressed and a little weak, and I had some borderline numbers in my bloodwork, they are still within the norm! The issues were stress related, and the symptoms are gone now.

4) Zac (my oldest son) and Ashly had a baby boy, Noah, last year.  He is a year old now. What a delight! 

5) I am back to painting more, even if it means getting up early or staying up late.  (I have a new gallery page with Daily Paintworks.  It has me challenging myself to create more.)

https://www.dailypaintworks.com/Artists/fawn-mcneill-15096

6) I am learning to take advantage of each opportunity to spend more time with friends and family (enjoying the simple things). 

 7) Incredibly, Okeechobee Main Street has renovated and set up an art center for its Arts and Cultural Alliance in my old building! Now I am teaching and doing framing for them!

I am grateful, stronger, and looking for the good that comes from the trials. I'm thanking the Good Lord for so many blessings.

 "Standing Tall"

Baby bird

                               

 

     

A few days ago, a young crow (Which I thought was a raven) swooped down at my head as I was cleaning the yard.  He followed me around, and every time I picked up a stick or moved something on the ground he tried to peck at what I was doing.  He was clumsy and not afraid of me.

I noticed the down on his neck and wings.  I figured he had lost his parents.  I dug in the dirt but didn't find any worms or bugs for him, so I headed to the house to find a piece of bread.  He waited for me.  So odd.

He ate some of the cornbread but didn't act like he was hungry.   He flew up to the front porch and checked out Robert.  I set out a dish of water and brought the piece of cornbread up the stairs.  

The next day he came back and he got on Robert's shoulder.  We got him some more bread and water.  he continued to follow us around but didn't eat much.  Again, so very odd.

On the third day, Robert got a basket of crickets. The juvenile crow wanted to chase them and catch them, but then dropped them and left them on the concrete driveway.  So I picked one up and held it and he took it and ate a little and dropped it again.  After the fourth try, he got a little more interested and held one down with his foot and tore it in half.  He ate the half in his mouth and left the other parts.  I guess he has to figure it out.  I picked up the half-dead crickets that were still moving a bit and held them up until the he ate more of them.  

I fixed a tub of water and splashed my hand in it.  It was big enough that he could play in it, but he did not want water on him.  He drank a little and then went and played in the mud puddle that was growing larger from a new leak in my hose.  He did not like the water spraying out of the hose to get on him. 

He followed me around again as I watered the plants.  When I took a break, he got on my shoulder.  I tried to pet him a time or two, but he did not want me to touch him. 

The boy that lives across the road from us told us that his friend (a few houses down) saved that baby bird when it fell out of the nest and has been feeding him. I guess it has just learned to fly and is checking out the neighbors!

That makes a lot more sense!

Major changes

Wow. It's been a while.

Changing the art studio at home again.  Making it so that if I need it for a bedroom it will be easier to get ready quickly.  

My husband Robert had a TME and a mini-stroke in January.  Our house is upstairs, and the garage and studio are below the house.  A TME is an imbalance of the chemistry of the brain, and he did not know who anyone was, nor was he able to walk or function. 

The doctors could not find what caused it, all his tests were good.  He lost 3 days and came home on the fourth day. So scary.

Prayer is powerful.  A dear friend of ours prayed with him and later that night he came back.  He began to remember things and was able to feed himself and walk.  It was amazing!  He had a few weeks of recovery, but the visiting nurses and physical therapists were awesome.  

He can do everything normally again!

So now he is working on repairs to the house and remodeling.  A new door in the art room that is across from the bathroom in the garage has turned my whole world upside down.  I'm sure it will be great once I get everything back in order, but it has been overwhelming.  have not painted for weeks now!  That really doesn't help my attitude.  Hahaha!

He had the old carpet taken out in most of the house, except the spare rooms.  It is vinyl floors now, which is lovely.

Next, we hope to paint some walls.  I'm sore, tired, and grumpy these days!  So much hard work moving everything around and going through stuff.  Got rid of a few boxes and bags of things in the closets, so that was good.

So thankful to have him back! Now if we needs a room downstairs, I will be able to take better care of him.

Goofing off

 Semi- retired, I suppose:

~ Goofing off more, and even enjoying the change of pace.

~ Giving myself permission to say 'no' to things for whatever reason.  

~ Finding new challenges as I work from home, some are nice surprises actually, others are, well, not so much.  

~ Staying busy, just not with the things I thought I would be involved with. 

~ Growing flowers and vegetables in the back yard has me learning that I might have a bit of a green thumb after all!  It is amazing to eat a sweet potato that you grew yourself!  (Sweet potatoes are a great starting point, because they are easy to grow!)  Carrots have been a little more challenging.

~ Sleeping in is wonderful: waking up and then dozing in and out for an hour or so was something I never allowed myself to do.  (Life was just too stressful.) But early mornings are also when I am the most creative, so I try not to do it everyday.  

~ Playing with crafty art, mixed media, and knife paintings.  Too much fun.  I'm creating more gifts and being more generous too.  

~ Learning to make my own  professional looking notecards and books. It is so expensive to have them printed. Saving up for a good printer.

~ Teaching art a couple of afternoons a week: afterschool classes.  This is my heart. Nothing like helping children create something and watch them get so excited about it!

~ Not doing shows for now, not on any committees, not going to any meetings, and I'm not trying to make a bunch of money.  And I'm not worried about it either (which also amazes me!) 

~ The Good LORD takes excellent care of me!

What a long hard year

 Not sure where to begin.  It was a terrible year for most everyone last year. I thought my life was over when everything shut down.

 I closed my art gallery and teaching studio when classes suddenly stopped.  I owed hundreds of dollars to students (and parents of students) who had reserved the next month of classes. So after the first month of using money from savings to try to stay open, I was already two months behind. 

It took over a thousand  dollars a month to stay open, that included rent, water, power, waste management, security service, internet, etc...  I did not get any government assistance, and my landlord (who had previously been the greatest landlord ever) did not work with me. Rent was due the first of May.  By the middle of April I knew I couldn't go farther in debt.  I had two weeks to move out.  

I had eight years of framing supplies and equipment, teaching supplies, and walls full of art work hanging throughout the gallery and the teaching studio. The paintings had to be boxed and wrapped for safe transport and storage.

 All the framing samples and Velcro strips had to come down in the framing show room.  That in itself was a nightmare. The miter saw and frame molding strips (8 to 10 feet long) were in the kitchen on the old wooden cabinets and shelves. The frame molding had to all be cut in half to make it manageable and then wrapped to move it and store it.  It was physically exhausting and emotionally devastating. 

My son helped me with the heavy equipment which was in the back workroom.  We put it in the garage at my house.  We put the large matting and framing table in my little studio at home as well as the paintings.  Eventually some of the paintings were hung in as many places as could be found all through my house.  (Some are still boxed and in storage in the back of the studio at home.)

  My house had always had art on the walls (not surprising), but now it was somewhat squeezed in. I thought I would not like it, but the most of the pieces my husband, Robert, and I chose were from places we had been or events we shared. It turned out to be a wonderful thing: memories and colorful art stacked on the walls all through the house.  He stops and looks at the paintings and says, "That looks really nice there." I smile big.

My studio at home has become a work space again as I have rearranged it several times to make room for my painting station and some work tables.  The framing table takes up a large amount of room, but it is nice to still be able to cut mats.  

My miter saw and under-pinner (for joining frames) are set up in the garage, so I can fill  frame orders when needed.  

I rented a small room in town for a few months to teach private lessons, and take in some framing orders.  That is how I paid back most of my students.  I still had to refund a few of them. 

I also rented a display space at a boutique (Unique Boutique in Okeechobee) for my mixed media pieces and knife paintings.  This is something I would have never considered before the pandemic, but with all the galleries closing everywhere I thought it might be a way to at least show some of my new fun pieces.  It is a nice shop: clean and inviting.  It has many different types of things to purchase.  There are a few artists, some handcrafted jewelry, some antiques, furniture, and some clothing.  It turns out people love my new pieces, and I love being a part of such a great group of people.

My home studio ended up having major work done to the exterior walls, windows and the whole door jam and door had to be replaced.  Much to my dismay, I had to move everything again and rearrange the studio once the repairs were done. It has turned out to be a better space, with room for 2 work tables and a little area for my easel. I have even done some private lessons and taken a few framing orders.

 The old building I was renting for so many years (Fawn's Studio and Gallery) was located on the left side of the building at 111 SE 2nd street, Okeechobee.  Bridgette rented a smaller suite on the right side.  It was old and run down and not very beautiful, but great for art studios and creating beautiful messes!  Well, now it has been completely gutted and renovated!  It looks amazing. The landlord repaired the structural damage and then put in handicapped parking, a ramp to the back door, and made the restrooms handicap accessible too.  He had new kitchen cabinets, counters, and floors put in, and also had new carpet put down throughout both sides of the building.  He had all of the walls painted in an off white. It looks like one building now, instead of two suites.

Now the Okeechobee  Art Alliance has set up a gallery in my old teaching studio and a gift shop where my gallery was.  They have also set up a small teaching studio on the other side of the building (where Bridgette's back room was behind her art studio).  It is remarkable to say the least.

Here is the most amazing thing: I am currently teaching for the Art Alliance a couple of days a week!  And to top it off, they are also selling some of my work on a commission basis!  It is like everything was given back to me on a silver platter and I didn't have to pay for the renovations.  I have no monthly overhead either.  Talk about stress free! 

So here I am, enjoying working from home, and still finding great opportunities to get involved.  My life isn't over after all!  I thank the Good Lord every day!