The last five months:
- Mostly, I sat at my easel and cried. During the day, I held it back, stayed busy, kept the positive upbeat Christian music on, and then when I got still at my easel, the waves of sorrow showed up. (Even with the music and the prayers of thanks for the good things in my life.)
- After a few brush strokes, the tears started again. Especially if it was a painting Kyle liked or gave me ideas for. Which he loved to do. He came in my studio often to see what I was working on, picked my brain, and gave me great ideas.
- Somedays I got frustrated and angry at every little thing in daily life. When I was at my easel it showed up. So, I repainted, changed the colors, undid, redid, or tried a different approach. Sometimes I destroyed the work in progress with broad strokes of white paint.
- I painted over one in varying shades of gray. I think maybe it might make a nice background for a rainbow or something one day.
- I came to a dark place of believing God had taken this gift of creativity away from me. I gave it up. Laid it down and asked him to show me if he wanted me to keep trying. I asked him to show me His way and guide me. That's when I had some positive painting sessions.
- I have cancelled all custom paintings and refunded downpayments. I'm currently not accepting commissions.
- I'm creating small things with no deadlines, and no emotional attachment. I recently finished the three paintings above. That is encouraging. (Click on an image for information about the paintings).
- Also, I started teaching one small group a week for my homeschool students. This has been very positive. I love working with kids.
- Still wake up with bad dreams, crying in the night and/or the morning, but not as often.
- I have accepted some framing orders. This has also been positive. It keeps me busy and gets my mind off of the painful memories of Kyle's suffering his last month, and off of my poor choices I made his last week and the weeks just after he went to heaven. I was just freaking out and had complete breakdowns. I couldn't drive 3 hours to Miami when he passed in the middle of the night. I had a major melt down a few days before when I got turned around down there. I was the only one that wasn't there for his new journey. It made everything worse with my family.
- I don't see my grandchildren much anymore. Sometimes it overwhelms me. Unbearable heart ache.
- For 2 and a half years I was available 24/7 if Kyle had to have treatments or was staying in the hospital. Took them to school, picked them up, kept them overnight, or whatever, whenever. I miss them terribly.
- Two friends of mine passed away in the last 3 weeks. One much older and one much younger.
- I had more major meltdowns last week. Thought I was handling things better, but after a luncheon with a group of friends, I fell apart again.
- I've also avoided a few get-togethers with my family, so I don't have to deal with it or cause them more pain. I know I cause them the most pain of anyone. I hate it that I can't fix it.
- After that I realized I have to stop beating myself up. I'm working on forgiving myself: I tell myself it wouldn't have mattered anyway; we would have shut each other out to try to ease the pain regardless if I had been there or not.
- For now, I have to accept this season and pray that in time our relationships will heal.
- The thing that helps the most is watching my words: He's not dead, he's not gone, he is in a better place, I will see him again, I will get to hold him and kiss his face, and one day my grandchildren will know I am still grandma, and I still love them, hopefully in this life. This is my hope. This keeps me from letting the depression take me out.
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