Joy comes

So many horrific things this past year:

1) In December 2022 my son, Kyle, lost his left eye to cancer.  Now he is undergoing treatment for a tumor near his kidney.

2) My husband has been in severe pain in his neck for several months and now in his lower back as well for the past two months.

3) My close friend, Sandy, has battled cancer off and on for years and now is back on a stronger treatment for cancer that has spread to other parts of her body.

4) Another close friend, Marie, lost her mother last year, and now her father has lost his leg to diabetes. 

5) I had heart issues that started last fall, (panic attacks, extremely low blood pressure, high pulse rates, racing heart, irregular heartbeats, an abnormal EKG, low blood count, abnormal size of blood cells. So many tests: more EKGs, Echo of my heart, extensive blood work, etc... 

I have cried a river of tears for my son and my friends.

But I have grown.  In the middle of all this, joy comes when you focus on the things you are thankful for.  

Good things have happened too:

1) I get to keep my grandchildren quite often, sometimes three times a week! 

2) This past week, Kyle had a good report: the tumor is shrinking.  So good to hear that!  

3) Yesterday, I also had a good report: although my heart was stressed and a little weak, and I had some borderline numbers in my bloodwork, they are still within the norm! The issues were stress related, and the symptoms are gone now.

4) Zac (my oldest son) and Ashly had a baby boy, Noah, last year.  He is a year old now. What a delight! 

5) I am back to painting more, even if it means getting up early or staying up late.  Updating my website: www.fawnsartstudio.com  

6) I am learning to take advantage of each opportunity to spend more time with friends and family (enjoying the simple things). 

 7) Incredibly, Okeechobee Main Street has renovated and set up an art center for its Arts and Cultural Alliance in my old building! Now I am teaching and doing framing for them!

I am grateful, stronger, and looking for the good that comes from the trials. I'm thanking the Good Lord for so many blessings.

 "Standing Tall"

Baby bird

                               

 

     

A few days ago, a young crow (Which I thought was a raven) swooped down at my head as I was cleaning the yard.  He followed me around, and every time I picked up a stick or moved something on the ground he tried to peck at what I was doing.  He was clumsy and not afraid of me.

I noticed the down on his neck and wings.  I figured he had lost his parents.  I dug in the dirt but didn't find any worms or bugs for him, so I headed to the house to find a piece of bread.  He waited for me.  So odd.

He ate some of the cornbread but didn't act like he was hungry.   He flew up to the front porch and checked out Robert.  I set out a dish of water and brought the piece of cornbread up the stairs.  

The next day he came back and he got on Robert's shoulder.  We got him some more bread and water.  he continued to follow us around but didn't eat much.  Again, so very odd.

On the third day, Robert got a basket of crickets. The juvenile crow wanted to chase them and catch them, but then dropped them and left them on the concrete driveway.  So I picked one up and held it and he took it and ate a little and dropped it again.  After the fourth try, he got a little more interested and held one down with his foot and tore it in half.  He ate the half in his mouth and left the other parts.  I guess he has to figure it out.  I picked up the half-dead crickets that were still moving a bit and held them up until the he ate more of them.  

I fixed a tub of water and splashed my hand in it.  It was big enough that he could play in it, but he did not want water on him.  He drank a little and then went and played in the mud puddle that was growing larger from a new leak in my hose.  He did not like the water spraying out of the hose to get on him. 

He followed me around again as I watered the plants.  When I took a break, he got on my shoulder.  I tried to pet him a time or two, but he did not want me to touch him. 

The boy that lives across the road from us told us that his friend (a few houses down) saved that baby bird when it fell out of the nest and has been feeding him. I guess it has just learned to fly and is checking out the neighbors!

That makes a lot more sense!

Major changes

Wow. It's been a while.

Changing the art studio at home again.  Making it so that if I need it for a bedroom it will be easier to get ready quickly.  

My husband Robert had a TME and a mini-stroke in January.  Our house is upstairs, and the garage and studio are below the house.  A TME is an imbalance of the chemistry of the brain, and he did not know who anyone was, nor was he able to walk or function. 

The doctors could not find what caused it, all his tests were good.  He lost 3 days and came home on the fourth day. So scary.

Prayer is powerful.  A dear friend of ours prayed with him and later that night he came back.  He began to remember things and was able to feed himself and walk.  It was amazing!  He had a few weeks of recovery, but the visiting nurses and physical therapists were awesome.  

He can do everything normally again!

So now he is working on repairs to the house and remodeling.  A new door in the art room that is across from the bathroom in the garage has turned my whole world upside down.  I'm sure it will be great once I get everything back in order, but it has been overwhelming.  have not painted for weeks now!  That really doesn't help my attitude.  Hahaha!

He had the old carpet taken out in most of the house, except the spare rooms.  It is vinyl floors now, which is lovely.

Next, we hope to paint some walls.  I'm sore, tired, and grumpy these days!  So much hard work moving everything around and going through stuff.  Got rid of a few boxes and bags of things in the closets, so that was good.

So thankful to have him back! Now if we needs a room downstairs, I will be able to take better care of him.

Life is good

Just realized it has been over a year since I posted anything on this blog, so I thought I would just share a few of the great things that have been happening these days.

I have been staying busy at my little art studio and teaching center, which is doing much better this school year.  This is my seventh year in business.  Most of the after school classes stay full now, plus I have an adult class once a week.  The custom framing is also a nice compliment. 

I have found new inspirations these days!  Some are filled with treasure hunts and new ideas from a new series of mixed media paintings I started last fall.  Now I am experimenting with impasto techniques, as well as how to best adhere things.  The gel medium dries clear and shiny, so it is good for adding things after the painting is finished.  The modeling paste creates wonderful relief effects, but it can be difficult to paint over at times, so I like the thick heavy gesso the most for my impasto techniques because it is easier to paint over.

  I can't put into words how much I enjoy adding my treasures and found objects (like seashells, charms, or beads).  I am also using some metallic paint and/or glitter paint, which really catches your eye at different viewing angles.

 I am pleasantly surprised at the results -- even sold a few! Click here to see an example.

I did a small show this January and received a blue ribbon for my new mixed media paintings! That was encouraging! Click here to see more about the show.

On a personal level, my husband was in the hospital a lot last year, but now he is on immune therapy and is responding well to the treatment.  This has made for a year of getting back to better things and enjoying life again.  We don't take any of it for granted.

May the Lord God Almighty bless you and yours in amazing ways!

Click here to see more paintings!

Faith, the substance of things hoped for

So much sorrow in the world.  So much pain and suffering.  Not only from terrorists and evil forces, but just in everyday living.  We all have loved ones we ache for.

My pastor's wife recently shared a truth with me that has helped me walk through the shadow of death with my mother-in- law.  My husband also faces serious health issues. Sometimes I feel like my life revolves around suffering and death.

"Hold your hands out, palms up and say, 'Father, I receive the strength and the grace you have already provided for me for this situation,' instead of continually asking.  It's alright to ask, but we also need to receive!"

This is especially helpful when my faith is not so strong, and the tears have taken over.  Now I am seeing the Father's hand at work. Prayers are being answered, and faith grows.  Not just in me, but in those I pray for too.

May Daddy God, Abba Father, put his truth in your mouth as you do the work and study his word! May he bless you and your loved ones mightily!

Not walking in the shadow of death

My life has been enveloped in the sick and dying.  My mother-in-law (98 years old) has been in and out of the hospital many times the past few years.  This time she gave up for over a week.  My husband of 16 years, who is quite a bit older than I am, has also been through many serious life threatening events.  We have come through cancer, respiratory failure, two brain surgeries (non cancer related), and now severe COPD.  He and his mother have both been in the hospital at the same time this past week.  It threw me for a loop.  Spending so much time at their bed sides can be emotionally draining to say the least.

I started to head into a deep depression again, but this time I took some time out and went for a walk to clear my head. This is a splendid time of year in Florida.  The cool breezes and warm sun are amazing. I went for a walk at sunset up on the levy at the lake.  This is one of my favorite things to do to rise above the circumstances.  My husband is home now, and his mother is doing better, so that helps too.

While I was out walking, I saw this little area across the rim canal that was lit up with pinks from the sunset.  I have seen this little stream coming into the canal before, but this time I decided I needed to paint it.  So after supper I pulled out a large canvas and painted it! It was exhilarating to be inspired and motivated and stay up late to create something so compelling!  It pulled me out of the downward spin I was giving into.  

This world is on a downward pull, always throwing things at us to destroy us.  If we don't fight it, it gets overwhelming!  I am finding out some things that help me fight back: getting up early to have time to pray and have devotions, painting at work (even if for just for short periods of time), walks at sunset, playing Christian music, and painting at home in the evenings.

Looks like the shadow of death has moved on, and I am living again. Currently I'm working on some animal portraits, which is always my favorite subject matter! It is amazing that even in the middle of the pain and chaos I can find joy and see goodness and truth!

50 years

So I am 50 years old!  I was dreading it, feeling so very old after my surgery.  Thought I would never feel good again.  It has been a month now that I am feeling better.  This is September, and my surgery was last December.....

Anyway, I have a very sad birthday, 9-11.  Every year I try to celebrate it after my birthday, but still it is just too sad.  So this year things worked out to see my boys and my grand-kids before my birthday.  My husband took advantage and on an impulse got a cake and some candles with the big numbers.  It was amazing!

We had grilled steaks, cake and ice cream, and we had card games too.  I have had a  great weekend and not thought about 9-11 at all.

So I am planning to celebrate my birthday on the 1st of September from now on.  I am also thinking that this is going to be a fantastic year!  I am getting strong again, and I am so thin from loosing all that weight from my appendix rupturing.  I am starting to have enough energy to get through the day too.  My gallery has out grown itself in it's first year, and I am already preparing to move to a bigger place!!!!!  God is so good.  I am so blessed to be alive, and I am looking forward to the years ahead.

Reality

So my gallery opened last November. November first. Fawn's Sudio we named it.  Wonderful, awesome, exciting, and surreal....

Three teaching tables, room for 12 students comfortably, and more if needed.  So cool to come to work and see my art on the walls in the showroom, even more cool was the fact that I had enough paintings to fill the walls!  Then to sell originals right off the wall!  Amazing.
It only lasted a little more than a month.

Then my appendix ruptured sometime in the middle of November.  That is when the pain started anyway. The surgery was in December just before Christmas.  My female organs absorbed the poisons, and for three weeks I walked around dying.  I was mis-diagnosed with a tumor on my ovary. 

So my dreams and hopes were shut down for a month.  Then I tried to get the gallery going again, so thankful to be alive. But my female organs were all sacrificed.  So everything changed.  Everything.
Got sick and couldn't cough without severe pain.  So I closed the gallery again.
Reopened again, and took a mat to lay down on during the day before classes started in the afternoons.  That helped.

Looking back it makes sense why I am 8 months into recovery, and still struggling.  

Abrupt and instant menopause is harder than the pain and scar tissue, which still hinders me.  Fatigue, frustration, and despair are all daily companions now.  

I still try to work all day (teaching art classes, doing framing, working on custom paintings, etc...) and then I come home to do laundry, cooking and cleaning and whatever else is expected of me.  

It just dawned on me: of course it will take longer to heal if I don't slow down!  Duh!  I can't get up at 5:30 in the morning to work on paintings, do a load of wash, and go to work all day and then come home to more chores, and expect to have the energy I used to.

Top it all off with a husband that wants to argue and fight about most things these days...  Honestly, no wonder my hormones are so out of whack!  Anyone, even someone with balanced hormones, would be up and down with someone constantly putting them down and calling them nuts......  He pushes me to my limits.  (Then he wonders why I am not the slightest bit interested in romance.  Duh again!) I don't think I am fully to blame here. He knows how to turn things around, or how to keep me up-tight.

So I am sleeping in until 6:30 am, and I am going to bed earlier, and I am not trying to get all the chores done!  And if he doesn't like it he can start pitching in.  Just saying....

We are starting to laugh about it now, thank goodness!  I thought we might have to go our separate ways if this kept up.  And even more remarkable: Robert is doing some grocery shopping to help me out, and cooking some meals too.   Love it when he puts steak on the grill for me!!!! 

Reality is tough, but I am still thankful to be here.

Major surgery

 I had to undergo major surgery the week before Christmas. It was rather sudden and I haven't posted anything in a very long time.  That is a long story, so I will share it after I give you an update on this very busy year!

 It has been 2 years since Robert’s last brain surgery, and the follow up tests have shown the tumor is dead and
shrinking away from his brain!  His prognosis is good.  The surgeries were successful.  We are thanking the Father for that!
He needs no more radiation, and is doing well.  He drives his truck, goes fishing when he wants, and now he takes care of me!!!!  Amazing!

 Last spring, when Robert no longer needed me home so much, I began working as a substitute teacher.
This was in addition to teaching my after school art classes 3 days a week. (I rented a room from a gallery in town and taught about 7 kids at a time on the average.  I had room for 10, but it was quite crowded.)

 I also needed to take a few college classes in order to get my teaching certification reinstated.  So I used the money from subbing to pay for the classes.  Needless to say, all this became a lot to juggle.

Got it all done in time, got everything lined up, and applied for a position at the Freshmen Campus High-school, to teach art again.  But when I did not get the job,  I was confused, because the timing and deadlines had all worked out perfectly, and I was sure I would get the position.  Well, Robert was so happy about it, that it made me realize he really didn’t want me to work fulltime again.

  That meant a lot to me!

Just after that, the gallery I worked at sold. Things didn't work out there with the new owners, but I really love teaching and wasn't ready to give up my little classes and loose all my students.

 That is when Robert suggested we look for a place with a little more room, and said he would help me if I wanted to open my own teaching center. That was in the beginning of October. By the end of October we
 had a little Art Gallery and Teaching Center opened and the classes transitioned smoothly, right from one place to another!

We call it Fawn’s Studio.   I cannot explain how wonderful it is to have as many classes as I want, have plenty of room for everyone (up to 12 students), and be able to show my paintings too. 

 I have taken in commissions, sold original paintings and prints of my work, added new classes, and picked up a few more students.  Things were going so well you had to pull me down out of the clouds…..

  In the middle of November I had some strange and wonderful dreams.  I thought they were just nice dreams, but now I see there was a lot more to it.  In one of them, Jesus held me and we talked about past hurts and the need for forgiveness. 

In another, we rode horses through the mountains and he showed me some beautiful places.  He told me I could stay if I wanted.

  In yet another dream, He asked me if I wanted to live, really wanted to live, and if I was willing to do whatever it took to fight for my life. 

In the dream I answered yes, and I thanked him for all the wonderful things in my life:  All my family, my grandchildren, my husband, my friends, and this community that has supported me in my new business.  I thought this was an odd dream, and pretty much forgot about it.

  In another dream he said I would go through some hard things, but he wanted me to remember that he was with me and would use the doctors to heal me.  He put his hand on the right side of my stomach and prayed for me.

At this time, I had no signs of anything wrong, and I was thinking it must just be menopause or something, because all my tests last year came back with a clean bill of health.  Within a couple of days, I had severe abdominal pain, and a few days after that I began hemorrhaging.   I went to my gynecologist because the amount of hemorrhaging got worse. 

 She said it was clearly not menopause, and something very serious was going on.  She ordered tests that day, and they found a tumor that was as large as an orange, which had replaced my right ovary. The uterus was swollen and full of cysts as well, so she scheduled a hysterectomy right away. 

Of course I was not all in for that, especially since they had to cut me open to get the tumor out, and there are other “less invasive” procedures. When everything came back negative for cancer, I was sure she was just overreacting to want to rush through this.  I wanted to wait until after the holidays and not have to close up my new studio. so I started looking for another doctor for a second opinion, but nothing worked out, just before the holidays and all.  

Robert insisted we not put this off, and get it taken out right away. He said, “If the tumor grew that large that fast, it could easily turn into cancer.”  My doctor was very straightforward and answered all my questions.She explained that with a tumor that size, she would have an oncologist present during the surgery, and he would do a frozen section to make sure they got the whole thing out all in one piece. Then he would test it right there for any signs of cancer within the tumor.  So I agreed to go ahead right away.  

Next we had all the tests for pre-op to do. The EKG showed a blockage on the left side of my heart.  So I went through 2 stress tests, and passed them both.  The blockage was only in the electrical frequency, the signals weren’t flowing correctly, and this was monitored.  So the final approval for the surgery went through the day before I had surgery.

By then my arms were bruised from all the needles and tests, and I was hanging on to every word I could remember in those wonderful dreams.  I knew Jesus had prayed for me, and I was going to be ok.

My doctor, Trinada Garcia, is married to a general surgeon, Manuel Garcia.  Dr. M. Garcia had removed Robert’s gall bladder a year before his first brain surgery. He often joins his wife, Dr. T. Garcia, in surgery, which turned out to be life saving for me. When they cut me open, they did not find a tumor.  The oncologist was happy, no cancer was found. Praise the Lord for that!  

What they found, however, was that my appendix had ruptured and plastered itself to my ovary.  They were amazed that the poisons were encapsulated and sealed off from the rest of me.  (Many people die from a ruptured appendix. )  If Dr. T. Garcia had done a less invasive procedure, as I had asked, those poisons could have spread all through me.  Dr. M Garcia took out the sticky gooey mass, cleaned out all the poisons, and Dr. T. Garcia did a complete hysterectomy.  I am so grateful how everyone came together on my behalf to save my life!

  I have a whole new lease on life, and my husband has been waiting on me hand and foot! Hard to believe, but he is actually doing all the laundry, cooking the meals, and cleaning the kitchen….

 It has all been one miracle after another. The recovery process is going well. 4 to 6 weeks......

  I am so thankful to be alive, and am really looking forward to re-opening my little studio!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!

back to work

      Odd that I would even consider teaching in the public school again, but here I am , subbing for now.  Looks like I can get my state certificate re-instated by the end of June, and if a position came open to teach art at one of the high schools, I could apply for it.
   
      I like the new program, and the art teacher that took my place, and I am sure I could do a much better job this time, and not be so stressed.  Robert is well now, his brain surgeries were successful, and his prognosis is good. So maybe it is time to go back to work while I wait for the economy to pick up.  Sales are certainly down.

        It is more than that, however, I want to accomplish something, do something important.  I feel like I am just spinning my wheels and getting no where these days.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the stress free days of not having to get up early.  I enjoy being free to paint en plein air, and I enjoy being able to go out of town or whatever, whenever.......

       I have to be smart though, I am not earning much, not putting anything away for retirement, and not reaching even my short term goals.  At the very least, I want to keep my options open.  Need to think ahead.

Good to be so busy

Started teaching more art classes last fall, and haven't slowed down! Now I start a new part time job at an art gallery, framing, painting, teaching.....just love it.

I am working on more serious paintings too, which are larger and take longer than my little daily paintings, but I have a publisher, and he wants me to do more wildlife.....

So many around me are struggling, and I am so very blessed.

My husband, Robert, has overcome so many health issues, and now has a shunt in his head, which has given him back his Independence. He drives again, goes fishing some times, and can take care of himself again. So that has given me back my life too....

I am so grateful!!!!!!!!!

Life is good

Nothing like walking through death valley for months to make you see how wonderful things really are. Every little thing is a big thing now. A smile, a walk for only half the distance you thought you could go, but we got out and walked! Or a message on your phone from a voice of someone you love. The voice of someone who couldn't even use the phone.

Robert is full of wonder and everything is something to talk about. He says, "what has gotten into me? I just keep rambling on. I say, "please keep rambling!" After months of silence, now I hear every word and understand the deeper meaning behind it all. He is just so expressive now! Everything is beautiful to him, everything is funny, everything is appreciated so deeply. He feels so intensely, hurt as well as pleasure. Hot and cold too. Used to, he was not affected by very much.

It all amazes me. Like reliving when we first met, and the world was such a happy place. I know, it will get old and it will fade, most likely, but I am enjoying every minute of this part of our recovery!!!!!

We have had a cold, a cough all night kind of cold. We have never been sick at the same time before, and we have never had a cold that we didn't just shake off. This cold is really tough to get rid of. More than a week now, and Robert holds his head and hollers when he coughs. He says it feels like he is blowing the top of his head off! I can't imagine how much it must hurt to sneeze or cough with a shunt in your head. My head hurts these days, especially after a coughing spell. I wish I could take it from him.

But in spite of all that he is still in a good frame of mind, still not back to depression and heartache. I pray that is gone for good!

Doctor's report

Robert had a good series of scans, the shunt is working and the headaches are easing off. The Doctor told him he could wait until he is fully recovered to begin any radiation therapy or radio surgery. The tumor in his inner ear is very small and non-cancerous, and is growing very slowly.
In the meantime he is trying to get his strength back and keep food down. He has lost more than 13 pounds the last three weeks, because the headaches make him nauseous.

The shunt was put in November 21st, 2008. It has a valve that regulates the pressure in his brain. If the ventricles in the brain swell to much the valve opens and the excess fluids drain through a small tube that runs under the skin from the top of his head down into his abdomen, where his body absorbs the fluid. The valve makes a bulge under his skin on his head, and the tube runs through a small hole they drilled in his skull and through his brain into the ventricles.

It is all very amazing to me!

The ventricles usually drain fluids away through small channels in the back of the head. The tumor in his inner ear is close to this area and next to the brain. It can cause swelling that shuts of the normal draining process. This causes the ventricles to fill with excess fluids and the brain swells too. It shuts down the nervous system.

In the week before the surgery, Robert lost the use of his legs, his bodily functions, and his ability to communicate. I thought the brain damage would be permanent, and I am so glad I was wrong! He is making a full recovery! He does have tremors in his hands, which started about a year ago, but were very mild. now they are much more prevalent. No one seems to know why.

Some headaches are expected from the shunt surgery, (after all they drilled a hole in his head!) but these usually don't last so long and get better not worse. The other factor is that when they do surgery they tip your head way back and put a tube down your throat. Robert has an old injury to his neck that is really hurting now, and the headaches run up from the back of his head to the shunt area, then spread out.

The Doctor said they will probably come and go, but they should get better now, And his chiropractor has been helping with the neck injury.


On top of all this Robert has had shingles since September! I have never seen a more miserable thing happen to a person. After the blisters go away the nerves inside his body get easily agitated and he said he feels like someone has hooked him up to an electrical current. If I hit a bump in the car and don't slow way down, he grabs his chest and moans.

So I keep asking God, how much can one person bear? Why does he have to suffer so much? Well, my mother sent this book to me, called "The Shack," and there it is!!!! The answers to so many questions. It opened up my mind to new ideas and new understandings. I thought maybe Robert was so hard headed and so stubborn, that God had to let all these things happen to teach him a lesson. I am sure he will be forever changed and learn many things from all this, but my understanding now is that our own choices, our own independence that we value and declare to God so often (that we can do things on our own) can cause us to reap the painful consequences.



I have truly been challenged to the very core of my faith. I am selfish and demanding, and very impatient. I am so wrong to think that God wants us to suffer. Father God is faithful in spite of it all. He may answer "No" sometimes, and even worse, "wait." Yet so many times he does answer "yes" too!!!!

Robert update

My husband, Robert, did very well the first two weeks after his major surgery. He was doing physical therapy, and regaining his balance and his strength. then he began to get severe headaches, the 'sick at your stomach' kind.

He has battled them for two weeks now, and we went back to Shands Hospital for more tests. The shunt is doing it's job and is not the cause of the headaches. They are coming from the back if his head and his neck. His docter said an adjustment would not hurt anything and would be worth a try.

He has been given pain medication, which in turn just makes him sick at his stomach . . .
So he has lost over ten pounds, and is still having terrible pain.

Today we saw a chiropractor, who is into holistic medicine. I think we can see light at the end of the tunnel! Robert ate almost half of his dinner, and later had a little pie. He kept it down, and only took half of his pain medicne . . .

Maybe we can get to the root of the problem, instead of just treating the symptoms.

Happy New Year!!!!

Thanksgiving for surgery

So very much to be thankful for:
No more wheel chair for Robert-- he is using a walker now.
He no longer sits in silence, he reads the paper and talks on the phone.
His hands no longer shake and he can do most things for himself again.
He tells jokes and laughs at those that are told to him.

What a miracle!

Turned out that the bigger problem was excess fluid putting pressure on his brain, so much so that he lost mobility and dexterity, not to mention speech and normal thought processes. The last week before the neurosurgeon put the shunt in his head to drain the excess fluids, I thought I had lost him forever. Last Friday was the surgery, and we came home Tues. just two days ago.

Today is Thanksgiving day, and I have not been so grateful for anything in my whole life as I have for this. To watch someone so strong become so helpless, and to watch them fade away and become so vacant . . .there are no words to describe the agony and helplessness I felt.

And now to watch him come back to life, back to his personality, back to finding hope to go on . . . Wow. God is good, and I thank him over and over for using the doctors to save my husband.

Now we have to see what can be done about this little tumor in his ear . . . I am sure only more good things are on the way.

radiation?

So we saw the surgeon about an acoustic neuroma that Robert has in his inner ear, it is pressing on his brain and we must do something.

The surgeon does not want to take it out, Robert is diabetic, and has just gotten over pneumonia.
He is referring us to a Neurosurgeon that does Gamma knife surgery. (please excuse my spelling! so many new words, and I have a hard enough time with everyday words!) Anyway, it is not like regular radiation, very precise rays converge at the tumor to kill it.

Risks are high no matter what we do, so we are getting more tests run and talking to more doctors. Robert has to decide on something, and he doesn't want to do anything. They tell us that is not an option, as blindness and paralysis is next.

I believe God is greater than all this, and no matter what Robert decides to do he will be fine. God can shrink tumors, and He can dissolve them too. Already the neuropathy in Robert's feet is fading away, they said that wasn't possible too! But he is ticklish now in his feet! Just a few weeks ago the doctors ran tests and he had no feeling on the bottom of his feet! I believe it is the first of many things God will do. He is letting me know he hears our prayers and He cares. Can't tell you how much hope it gives me!

Thanks for your prayers and thoughts!

Robert

Life is so up and down these days. I have to keep living. Everything says that nothing matters anymore. Some days my husband, Robert, gives up the fight and just wants to go on to heaven.

He has been diagnosed with a small tumor in his inner ear, pressing on the brain. It is not cancerous, Thank God, but his balance is off these days, hard for him to walk straight now. Next month we see a surgeon to find out if they will be able to remove it.

The headaches are worse, and he sleeps a lot now, at least in the day. The nights are long, sleep comes in small doses. It is as if time has stopped for us. Schedules do not matter, food doesn't get eaten, even favorite dishes are stared and poked at.

I am selfish. I hang on, I know he is in pain, but I can't let him give up, I can't let go of hope that he will get better. I counter every hopeless suggestion with God's word and truth, I will not let him speak death . . .

Am I wrong? Is death merciful? At least for him I am sure it is. I am too selfish. I cannot go there. I freak out just thinking about it. So I pray for healing, I search for remedies, I sit with him for long empty hours. We wait.

Next month we will see.

I try to live, I try to paint my pictures, I try to smile and say the right things. I try to find reasons to laugh, to get him to laugh. I miss his laugh.

Sometimes I just sit and stare at my canvas, I can't think straight, I can't focus. I know it is there for me. Painting has always been my way to cope, my escape. But for now I have to force myself to create something, anything. I just don't see that anything matters anymore. I know better, but some days I can't get there.