Monday, December 29, 2008
He has battled them for two weeks now, and we went back to Shands Hospital for more tests. The shunt is doing it's job and is not the cause of the headaches. They are coming from the back if his head and his neck. His docter said an adjustment would not hurt anything and would be worth a try.
He has been given pain medication, which in turn just makes him sick at his stomach . . .
So he has lost over ten pounds, and is still having terrible pain.
Today we saw a chiropractor, who is into holistic medicine. I think we can see light at the end of the tunnel! Robert ate almost half of his dinner, and later had a little pie. He kept it down, and only took half of his pain medicne . . .
Maybe we can get to the root of the problem, instead of just treating the symptoms.
Happy New Year!!!!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
No more wheel chair for Robert-- he is using a walker now.
He no longer sits in silence, he reads the paper and talks on the phone.
His hands no longer shake and he can do most things for himself again.
He tells jokes and laughs at those that are told to him.
What a miracle!
Turned out that the bigger problem was excess fluid putting pressure on his brain, so much so that he lost mobility and dexterity, not to mention speech and normal thought processes. The last week before the neurosurgeon put the shunt in his head to drain the excess fluids, I thought I had lost him forever. Last Friday was the surgery, and we came home Tues. just two days ago.
Today is Thanksgiving day, and I have not been so grateful for anything in my whole life as I have for this. To watch someone so strong become so helpless, and to watch them fade away and become so vacant . . .there are no words to describe the agony and helplessness I felt.
And now to watch him come back to life, back to his personality, back to finding hope to go on . . . Wow. God is good, and I thank him over and over for using the doctors to save my husband.
Now we have to see what can be done about this little tumor in his ear . . . I am sure only more good things are on the way.
Friday, October 24, 2008
The surgeon does not want to take it out, Robert is diabetic, and has just gotten over pneumonia.
He is referring us to a Neurosurgeon that does Gamma knife surgery. (please excuse my spelling! so many new words, and I have a hard enough time with everyday words!) Anyway, it is not like regular radiation, very precise rays converge at the tumor to kill it.
Risks are high no matter what we do, so we are getting more tests run and talking to more doctors. Robert has to decide on something, and he doesn't want to do anything. They tell us that is not an option, as blindness and paralysis is next.
I believe God is greater than all this, and no matter what Robert decides to do he will be fine. God can shrink tumors, and He can dissolve them too. Already the neuropathy in Robert's feet is fading away, they said that wasn't possible too! But he is ticklish now in his feet! Just a few weeks ago the doctors ran tests and he had no feeling on the bottom of his feet! I believe it is the first of many things God will do. He is letting me know he hears our prayers and He cares. Can't tell you how much hope it gives me!
Thanks for your prayers and thoughts!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
He has been diagnosed with a small tumor in his inner ear, pressing on the brain. It is not cancerous, Thank God, but his balance is off these days, hard for him to walk straight now. Next month we see a surgeon to find out if they will be able to remove it.
The headaches are worse, and he sleeps a lot now, at least in the day. The nights are long, sleep comes in small doses. It is as if time has stopped for us. Schedules do not matter, food doesn't get eaten, even favorite dishes are stared and poked at.
I am selfish. I hang on, I know he is in pain, but I can't let him give up, I can't let go of hope that he will get better. I counter every hopeless suggestion with God's word and truth, I will not let him speak death . . .
Am I wrong? Is death merciful? At least for him I am sure it is. I am too selfish. I cannot go there. I freak out just thinking about it. So I pray for healing, I search for remedies, I sit with him for long empty hours. We wait.
Next month we will see.
I try to live, I try to paint my pictures, I try to smile and say the right things. I try to find reasons to laugh, to get him to laugh. I miss his laugh.
Sometimes I just sit and stare at my canvas, I can't think straight, I can't focus. I know it is there for me. Painting has always been my way to cope, my escape. But for now I have to force myself to create something, anything. I just don't see that anything matters anymore. I know better, but some days I can't get there.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
There is another kind of rest too, it is spiritual. The Almighty does not intend for us to try so hard to be perfect, or to keep up with man's rules of religion. These things appear good, but really keep us from really getting close God by keeping us too busy and distracted.
Jesus came to set us free from rules and burdens. We can trust him to lead us, teach us, and work in our lives, and we can pray anywhere -- anytime. He is already pleased with us, we are already accepted, and he made a way for us to be close to The Father. He forgives us and He makes us righteous in God's eyes. Too many religions tell us what we have to do to be accepted by God, they are way off base. Jesus says to believe in Him because we are accepted by God! He does the work in us, through us, and for us. He gives us rest.
I am part of a non-denominational church, so we don't have a bunch of rules. Everyone is welcome to join, no membership. We spend a lot of time praying and singing, we study the Bible, and we help each other through the rough times. It is truly a place of peace and rest! Those who have been hurt by religious people (like me) can find hope again. The Holy Spirit shows up and heals people of sickness and diseases, and God touches the broken hearted. It is amazing to see so many miracles so often!
Isn't that what Jesus commanded his people to do? Heal the sick, preach the good news, and cast out devils? Most religions are not doing that! If they aren't, then maybe they are off base in their teachings!
I have been thinking a lot about peace and rest. It is hard to not stress out these days, hard to trust God when your life is falling apart. I have watched my husband turn away from God's truth, and watched him struggle just to breath. We have been back and forth to the hospital. I know God will touch him and strengthen him, if he will ask. I know Our Father wants good things for us. We don't have to die from disease and illness. He will call our name when it is time to go. So why is it so hard for us to seek God? Why do we turn away so easily? Me included. I am trying to read His Word more, and trying to let go of all the "what if"s. It is a process, we don't change overnight!
I know God's timing is perfect and he will take care of every detail. He has always provided. I think we are here to prove that even in the midst of trouble we will choose to love and serve God. I think it hurt Him deeply when his angels turned away from him, and he wants us to make that choice now, not later. I don't have scripture for that, it is just my thoughts rambling on.
Your comments are welcome!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
We went to Montana to see my family at the end of May, then had a lot of company through the entire summer, on top of teaching summer art camps for kids!
Oh, and I also took on some commission work, and sold quite a few paintings. Which was a good thing!
At the end of summer my husband got very ill (he had pneumonia). We have been at the hospital twice.
So now I am trying to catch my breath and see if I can get back to normal living, whatever that is.
I am seeing a whole new side to my husband: he does not blame God as so many would when life takes a hard turn, and he is almost looking forward to the after life. This is not something he has ever talked about, so it kind of intrigued me when he started asking questions. We are talking about such things much more now, but not in the negative way he used to give up and want to die. (I wouldn't entertain such thoughts.) Now it is more about his appreciation for life and those that care. He is finding healing in his spirit I think, and God's strength in this time of physical weakness.
As you can well imagine, I have not placed too much importance on my art work these days. It is there for me as a release from all this stress, and no longer the stress maker to get a painting done and posted every day. If I don't finish one, well, I just don't mind. Other things are more important right now.
So there is my last few months in a nut shell, and I am so thankful things are getting better around here!
Monday, March 31, 2008
I KNOW WHO I AM
"The LORD bless you and keep you;
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Kids rooms are great. Horses and bunnies, with flowers and butterflies in a pink room . . . What little girl wouldn't love that?
Now a sunset on a beach with a net for volleyball . . . For a teenage girl. I love the bright bold colors she chose.
Mud holes, hogs, a tractor, and an air plane! The little boy's mural is in the preliminary stage. I even went to the county fair and took pictures of the John Deer tractors! Too much fun.
The girls are painting a mural in their school room. I am helping them get things to go together. But I don't think it will take them long to get it all done.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
So many horrors to tell
So many tragic events
My young life is full of terrors day and night
They have lost their power now
Fear no longer grips
His fingers have been severed
By bloody brow and whips
A flower beckons me to its sway
Its fragrance embraces me all night
I walk into the center
Healing sleep wins the fight
By Fawn McNeill Barr
Monday, February 4, 2008
i am lowly
i am week
You are lovely
You are strong
i am rotten through and through
There is no hope at all
You tell me I am pure now
You have cleansed my all
I smile when I look to you
I know your words are true
Then i see my own hands again
as i lose sight of You
i cannot find that smile
when i do not look to You
By Fawn McNeill Barr
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Feel free to let me know what you think!
This is the first one I have written in a long time:
For That One
Riddles and rhymes are not my thing
I have to know
I have to understand.
When sharing the depths of eternal things
I want you to know
I want you to understand.
I struggle with the pen
Yet words must be declared
For that one soul to hear
For that one soul to understand.
My paintings sing without saying a word
They tell of these things I need to share
For that one to know
For that one to understand.
The brush gives me no struggle
It speaks clearly of eternal things
Things my soul knows
Things it understands.
By Fawn McNeill Barr
Monday, January 21, 2008
I have time to run errands, work on posting paintings, clean house, do the laundry, cook supper, and paint more pictures . . . I have never had time to keep up with things before, and now I feel like I have a life again. The stress is gone, the feeling of accomplishment is great. Simple living, this is the good life.
I Thank God every day!