Joy comes

So many horrific things this past year:

1) In December 2022 my son, Kyle, lost his left eye to cancer.  Now he is undergoing treatment for a tumor near his kidney.

2) My husband has been in severe pain in his neck for several months and now in his lower back as well for the past two months.

3) My close friend, Sandy, has battled cancer off and on for years and now is back on a stronger treatment for cancer that has spread to other parts of her body.

4) Another close friend, Marie, lost her mother last year, and now her father has lost his leg to diabetes. 

5) I had heart issues that started last fall, (panic attacks, extremely low blood pressure, high pulse rates, racing heart, irregular heartbeats, an abnormal EKG, low blood count, abnormal size of blood cells. So many tests: more EKGs, Echo of my heart, extensive blood work, etc... 

I have cried a river of tears for my son and my friends.

But I have grown.  In the middle of all this, joy comes when you focus on the things you are thankful for.  

Good things have happened too:

1) I get to keep my grandchildren quite often, sometimes three times a week! 

2) This past week, Kyle had a good report: the tumor is shrinking.  So good to hear that!  

3) Yesterday, I also had a good report: although my heart was stressed and a little weak, and I had some borderline numbers in my bloodwork, they are still within the norm! The issues were stress related, and the symptoms are gone now.

4) Zac (my oldest son) and Ashly had a baby boy, Noah, last year.  He is a year old now. What a delight! 

5) I am back to painting more, even if it means getting up early or staying up late.  Updating my website: www.fawnsartstudio.com  

6) I am learning to take advantage of each opportunity to spend more time with friends and family (enjoying the simple things). 

 7) Incredibly, Okeechobee Main Street has renovated and set up an art center for its Arts and Cultural Alliance in my old building! Now I am teaching and doing framing for them!

I am grateful, stronger, and looking for the good that comes from the trials. I'm thanking the Good Lord for so many blessings.

 "Standing Tall"

Goofing off

 Semi- retired, I suppose:

~ Goofing off more, and even enjoying the change of pace.

~ Giving myself permission to say 'no' to things for whatever reason.  

~ Finding new challenges as I work from home, some are nice surprises actually, others are, well, not so much.  

~ Staying busy, just not with the things I thought I would be involved with. 

~ Growing flowers and vegetables in the back yard has me learning that I might have a bit of a green thumb after all!  It is amazing to eat a sweet potato that you grew yourself!  (Sweet potatoes are a great starting point, because they are easy to grow!)  Carrots have been a little more challenging.

~ Sleeping in is wonderful: waking up and then dozing in and out for an hour or so was something I never allowed myself to do.  (Life was just too stressful.) But early mornings are also when I am the most creative, so I try not to do it everyday.  

~ Playing with crafty art, mixed media, and knife paintings.  Too much fun.  I'm creating more gifts and being more generous too.  

~ Learning to make my own  professional looking notecards and books. It is so expensive to have them printed. Saving up for a good printer.

~ Teaching art a couple of afternoons a week: afterschool classes.  This is my heart. Nothing like helping children create something and watch them get so excited about it!

~ Not doing shows for now, not on any committees, not going to any meetings, and I'm not trying to make a bunch of money.  And I'm not worried about it either (which also amazes me!) 

~ The Good LORD takes excellent care of me!

What a long hard year

 Not sure where to begin.  It was a terrible year for most everyone last year. I thought my life was over when everything shut down.

 I closed my art gallery and teaching studio when classes suddenly stopped.  I owed hundreds of dollars to students (and parents of students) who had reserved the next month of classes. So after the first month of using money from savings to try to stay open, I was already two months behind. 

It took over a thousand  dollars a month to stay open, that included rent, water, power, waste management, security service, internet, etc...  I did not get any government assistance, and my landlord (who had previously been the greatest landlord ever) did not work with me. Rent was due the first of May.  By the middle of April I knew I couldn't go farther in debt.  I had two weeks to move out.  

I had eight years of framing supplies and equipment, teaching supplies, and walls full of art work hanging throughout the gallery and the teaching studio. The paintings had to be boxed and wrapped for safe transport and storage.

 All the framing samples and Velcro strips had to come down in the framing show room.  That in itself was a nightmare. The miter saw and frame molding strips (8 to 10 feet long) were in the kitchen on the old wooden cabinets and shelves. The frame molding had to all be cut in half to make it manageable and then wrapped to move it and store it.  It was physically exhausting and emotionally devastating. 

My son helped me with the heavy equipment which was in the back workroom.  We put it in the garage at my house.  We put the large matting and framing table in my little studio at home as well as the paintings.  Eventually some of the paintings were hung in as many places as could be found all through my house.  (Some are still boxed and in storage in the back of the studio at home.)

  My house had always had art on the walls (not surprising), but now it was somewhat squeezed in. I thought I would not like it, but the most of the pieces my husband, Robert, and I chose were from places we had been or events we shared. It turned out to be a wonderful thing: memories and colorful art stacked on the walls all through the house.  He stops and looks at the paintings and says, "That looks really nice there." I smile big.

My studio at home has become a work space again as I have rearranged it several times to make room for my painting station and some work tables.  The framing table takes up a large amount of room, but it is nice to still be able to cut mats.  

My miter saw and under-pinner (for joining frames) are set up in the garage, so I can fill  frame orders when needed.  

I rented a small room in town for a few months to teach private lessons, and take in some framing orders.  That is how I paid back most of my students.  I still had to refund a few of them. 

I also rented a display space at a boutique (Unique Boutique in Okeechobee) for my mixed media pieces and knife paintings.  This is something I would have never considered before the pandemic, but with all the galleries closing everywhere I thought it might be a way to at least show some of my new fun pieces.  It is a nice shop: clean and inviting.  It has many different types of things to purchase.  There are a few artists, some handcrafted jewelry, some antiques, furniture, and some clothing.  It turns out people love my new pieces, and I love being a part of such a great group of people.

My home studio ended up having major work done to the exterior walls, windows and the whole door jam and door had to be replaced.  Much to my dismay, I had to move everything again and rearrange the studio once the repairs were done. It has turned out to be a better space, with room for 2 work tables and a little area for my easel. I have even done some private lessons and taken a few framing orders.

 The old building I was renting for so many years (Fawn's Studio and Gallery) was located on the left side of the building at 111 SE 2nd street, Okeechobee.  Bridgette rented a smaller suite on the right side.  It was old and run down and not very beautiful, but great for art studios and creating beautiful messes!  Well, now it has been completely gutted and renovated!  It looks amazing. The landlord repaired the structural damage and then put in handicapped parking, a ramp to the back door, and made the restrooms handicap accessible too.  He had new kitchen cabinets, counters, and floors put in, and also had new carpet put down throughout both sides of the building.  He had all of the walls painted in an off white. It looks like one building now, instead of two suites.

Now the Okeechobee  Art Alliance has set up a gallery in my old teaching studio and a gift shop where my gallery was.  They have also set up a small teaching studio on the other side of the building (where Bridgette's back room was behind her art studio).  It is remarkable to say the least.

Here is the most amazing thing: I am currently teaching for the Art Alliance a couple of days a week!  And to top it off, they are also selling some of my work on a commission basis!  It is like everything was given back to me on a silver platter and I didn't have to pay for the renovations.  I have no monthly overhead either.  Talk about stress free! 

So here I am, enjoying working from home, and still finding great opportunities to get involved.  My life isn't over after all!  I thank the Good Lord every day!

Life is good

Just realized it has been over a year since I posted anything on this blog, so I thought I would just share a few of the great things that have been happening these days.

I have been staying busy at my little art studio and teaching center, which is doing much better this school year.  This is my seventh year in business.  Most of the after school classes stay full now, plus I have an adult class once a week.  The custom framing is also a nice compliment. 

I have found new inspirations these days!  Some are filled with treasure hunts and new ideas from a new series of mixed media paintings I started last fall.  Now I am experimenting with impasto techniques, as well as how to best adhere things.  The gel medium dries clear and shiny, so it is good for adding things after the painting is finished.  The modeling paste creates wonderful relief effects, but it can be difficult to paint over at times, so I like the thick heavy gesso the most for my impasto techniques because it is easier to paint over.

  I can't put into words how much I enjoy adding my treasures and found objects (like seashells, charms, or beads).  I am also using some metallic paint and/or glitter paint, which really catches your eye at different viewing angles.

 I am pleasantly surprised at the results -- even sold a few! Click here to see an example.

I did a small show this January and received a blue ribbon for my new mixed media paintings! That was encouraging! Click here to see more about the show.

On a personal level, my husband was in the hospital a lot last year, but now he is on immune therapy and is responding well to the treatment.  This has made for a year of getting back to better things and enjoying life again.  We don't take any of it for granted.

May the Lord God Almighty bless you and yours in amazing ways!

Click here to see more paintings!

Goals

Trying to get back to painting more often and posting more too.  Seems like the most important thing (painting) gets put on the back burner more than anything else. Feels good to get up earlier to paint, and get back to better habits than watching tv or oversleeping!

Have to stay with it this time, and not give up.  Hard to be inspired these days.  Most of the time I am teaching art classes or creating frames, so I am really tired, and certainly not motivated.  So I have to make my painting time come first.  Then the rest of the day can fall into place.

Having said all that, now I must make it a personal challenge, and find ways to stay inspired. Paintings that have a deeper meaning, or that have things hiding in them seem to hold my interest the most.  But if they do not come together right off the bat, then I tend to put them aside and resolve them later.

 I need to plan ahead better, and stick with it.  Also, I need to not start the new ones until I finish current paintings.  When I enter some art shows I tend to get excited and finish up a few more too.

My problem is that I don't see  results very often.  A sale now and then, A commission.  A ribbon or an award here and there; it is all encouraging, but hard to make enough to make a living.  So I teach more classes, or take in more framing jobs. Then I don't have the time to paint.....not a good cycle.

I am open to hearing ideas on how you get inspired or what helps you stay on track.

back on track

Things distract me so easily. I get caught up in trying to do so many different things: Framing, teaching classes, and keeping up with grandchildren. I love it all, especially my gallery, but sometimes I need to get caught up in the flow of the paint. This month I have made time to paint most days, and I am really loving it.  Just finished a very large one, "Heavenly Highlights" and have two other fairly large paintings in progress.  I think I will try some miniatures too.

I am accepting commissions now as well, so if you want a custom painting don't hesitate to email me! fmcneillbarr@gmail.com

I am excited to be back on the right track. Life is too short, and I simply must create something to deal with all the chaos and stress!  

Have a blessed day....

Summer

Enjoying the nice cool snap we have had the last few days.  It has been hot and muggy already in the early part of May.  Really dreading the intense and miserable heat we endure in June and July, and even August sometimes.  But the winters are nice, and the this week it is cool and breezy and sunny.  Lovely.

Summer is great for my little art gallery.  I get to spend my days with children of all ages, working on various art projects.  This summer we will do some paintings in the style of Cezanne, and we will make some Chinese paintings too.  The weeks of hand-building in clay are usually the most popular.  And I try to include a week of color theory of some sort. The students don't know they are learning elements and art appreciation, they just have fun while I challenge their thinking!

You can check it out at www.FawnsStudio.weebly.com

too busy

Not sure how it all gets so hectic so quickly.  Seems like I have to say 'no' to more things just to fit everything in.  Something always gets dropped when I take on too much!

There are the art shows, and getting works done and framed. So much time and money in that!  Very little return on it too, plus damage to the paintings or frames.  But the exposure is good, and the attention is great. I have discovered that I really like all the attention.  Odd, I am usually the quiet one and try to keep things low key. Or at least I used to be!  Now I speak my mind and get myself into situations I should have stayed out of.  But I am getting used to this side of me, and I don't think I want to go back to being so un-opinionated.  That sure makes my husband laugh at me often.

Then there is the art classes, which I love, especially the very young children I teach.  Lesson plans, set up, clean up, and the actual time I get to work with the students.  They tug at my heart.  I am the greatest artist in their eyes!  Too cute.

I am also learning the trade of custom framing, high end too: very professional and very expensive. But the frames are amazing, and what a huge difference to finish out the art in high quality frames! 

Of course my life is full of family and friends too, and they come first when I am not at work.  At least I try to not get too involved in my work at home. So this is why I post less on-line and don't get the marketing done that I really should put more into! 

But I am happy -- truly happy.  Which is a big surprise because I have struggled with depression and motivation off and on for many years. But since my appendix ruptured just more than a year ago, and I went around for a few weeks dying, I really had to fight for my life.  Now I have a whole new outlook on everything!

Not sure why I needed to post that, but I wanted to share it.  Things do get better, it does take work, and it is worth it really! You have to be positive on purpose and look for things to be thankful for!

Reality

So my gallery opened last November. November first. Fawn's Sudio we named it.  Wonderful, awesome, exciting, and surreal....

Three teaching tables, room for 12 students comfortably, and more if needed.  So cool to come to work and see my art on the walls in the showroom, even more cool was the fact that I had enough paintings to fill the walls!  Then to sell originals right off the wall!  Amazing.
It only lasted a little more than a month.

Then my appendix ruptured sometime in the middle of November.  That is when the pain started anyway. The surgery was in December just before Christmas.  My female organs absorbed the poisons, and for three weeks I walked around dying.  I was mis-diagnosed with a tumor on my ovary. 

So my dreams and hopes were shut down for a month.  Then I tried to get the gallery going again, so thankful to be alive. But my female organs were all sacrificed.  So everything changed.  Everything.
Got sick and couldn't cough without severe pain.  So I closed the gallery again.
Reopened again, and took a mat to lay down on during the day before classes started in the afternoons.  That helped.

Looking back it makes sense why I am 8 months into recovery, and still struggling.  

Abrupt and instant menopause is harder than the pain and scar tissue, which still hinders me.  Fatigue, frustration, and despair are all daily companions now.  

I still try to work all day (teaching art classes, doing framing, working on custom paintings, etc...) and then I come home to do laundry, cooking and cleaning and whatever else is expected of me.  

It just dawned on me: of course it will take longer to heal if I don't slow down!  Duh!  I can't get up at 5:30 in the morning to work on paintings, do a load of wash, and go to work all day and then come home to more chores, and expect to have the energy I used to.

Top it all off with a husband that wants to argue and fight about most things these days...  Honestly, no wonder my hormones are so out of whack!  Anyone, even someone with balanced hormones, would be up and down with someone constantly putting them down and calling them nuts......  He pushes me to my limits.  (Then he wonders why I am not the slightest bit interested in romance.  Duh again!) I don't think I am fully to blame here. He knows how to turn things around, or how to keep me up-tight.

So I am sleeping in until 6:30 am, and I am going to bed earlier, and I am not trying to get all the chores done!  And if he doesn't like it he can start pitching in.  Just saying....

We are starting to laugh about it now, thank goodness!  I thought we might have to go our separate ways if this kept up.  And even more remarkable: Robert is doing some grocery shopping to help me out, and cooking some meals too.   Love it when he puts steak on the grill for me!!!! 

Reality is tough, but I am still thankful to be here.

Major surgery

 I had to undergo major surgery the week before Christmas. It was rather sudden and I haven't posted anything in a very long time.  That is a long story, so I will share it after I give you an update on this very busy year!

 It has been 2 years since Robert’s last brain surgery, and the follow up tests have shown the tumor is dead and
shrinking away from his brain!  His prognosis is good.  The surgeries were successful.  We are thanking the Father for that!
He needs no more radiation, and is doing well.  He drives his truck, goes fishing when he wants, and now he takes care of me!!!!  Amazing!

 Last spring, when Robert no longer needed me home so much, I began working as a substitute teacher.
This was in addition to teaching my after school art classes 3 days a week. (I rented a room from a gallery in town and taught about 7 kids at a time on the average.  I had room for 10, but it was quite crowded.)

 I also needed to take a few college classes in order to get my teaching certification reinstated.  So I used the money from subbing to pay for the classes.  Needless to say, all this became a lot to juggle.

Got it all done in time, got everything lined up, and applied for a position at the Freshmen Campus High-school, to teach art again.  But when I did not get the job,  I was confused, because the timing and deadlines had all worked out perfectly, and I was sure I would get the position.  Well, Robert was so happy about it, that it made me realize he really didn’t want me to work fulltime again.

  That meant a lot to me!

Just after that, the gallery I worked at sold. Things didn't work out there with the new owners, but I really love teaching and wasn't ready to give up my little classes and loose all my students.

 That is when Robert suggested we look for a place with a little more room, and said he would help me if I wanted to open my own teaching center. That was in the beginning of October. By the end of October we
 had a little Art Gallery and Teaching Center opened and the classes transitioned smoothly, right from one place to another!

We call it Fawn’s Studio.   I cannot explain how wonderful it is to have as many classes as I want, have plenty of room for everyone (up to 12 students), and be able to show my paintings too. 

 I have taken in commissions, sold original paintings and prints of my work, added new classes, and picked up a few more students.  Things were going so well you had to pull me down out of the clouds…..

  In the middle of November I had some strange and wonderful dreams.  I thought they were just nice dreams, but now I see there was a lot more to it.  In one of them, Jesus held me and we talked about past hurts and the need for forgiveness. 

In another, we rode horses through the mountains and he showed me some beautiful places.  He told me I could stay if I wanted.

  In yet another dream, He asked me if I wanted to live, really wanted to live, and if I was willing to do whatever it took to fight for my life. 

In the dream I answered yes, and I thanked him for all the wonderful things in my life:  All my family, my grandchildren, my husband, my friends, and this community that has supported me in my new business.  I thought this was an odd dream, and pretty much forgot about it.

  In another dream he said I would go through some hard things, but he wanted me to remember that he was with me and would use the doctors to heal me.  He put his hand on the right side of my stomach and prayed for me.

At this time, I had no signs of anything wrong, and I was thinking it must just be menopause or something, because all my tests last year came back with a clean bill of health.  Within a couple of days, I had severe abdominal pain, and a few days after that I began hemorrhaging.   I went to my gynecologist because the amount of hemorrhaging got worse. 

 She said it was clearly not menopause, and something very serious was going on.  She ordered tests that day, and they found a tumor that was as large as an orange, which had replaced my right ovary. The uterus was swollen and full of cysts as well, so she scheduled a hysterectomy right away. 

Of course I was not all in for that, especially since they had to cut me open to get the tumor out, and there are other “less invasive” procedures. When everything came back negative for cancer, I was sure she was just overreacting to want to rush through this.  I wanted to wait until after the holidays and not have to close up my new studio. so I started looking for another doctor for a second opinion, but nothing worked out, just before the holidays and all.  

Robert insisted we not put this off, and get it taken out right away. He said, “If the tumor grew that large that fast, it could easily turn into cancer.”  My doctor was very straightforward and answered all my questions.She explained that with a tumor that size, she would have an oncologist present during the surgery, and he would do a frozen section to make sure they got the whole thing out all in one piece. Then he would test it right there for any signs of cancer within the tumor.  So I agreed to go ahead right away.  

Next we had all the tests for pre-op to do. The EKG showed a blockage on the left side of my heart.  So I went through 2 stress tests, and passed them both.  The blockage was only in the electrical frequency, the signals weren’t flowing correctly, and this was monitored.  So the final approval for the surgery went through the day before I had surgery.

By then my arms were bruised from all the needles and tests, and I was hanging on to every word I could remember in those wonderful dreams.  I knew Jesus had prayed for me, and I was going to be ok.

My doctor, Trinada Garcia, is married to a general surgeon, Manuel Garcia.  Dr. M. Garcia had removed Robert’s gall bladder a year before his first brain surgery. He often joins his wife, Dr. T. Garcia, in surgery, which turned out to be life saving for me. When they cut me open, they did not find a tumor.  The oncologist was happy, no cancer was found. Praise the Lord for that!  

What they found, however, was that my appendix had ruptured and plastered itself to my ovary.  They were amazed that the poisons were encapsulated and sealed off from the rest of me.  (Many people die from a ruptured appendix. )  If Dr. T. Garcia had done a less invasive procedure, as I had asked, those poisons could have spread all through me.  Dr. M Garcia took out the sticky gooey mass, cleaned out all the poisons, and Dr. T. Garcia did a complete hysterectomy.  I am so grateful how everyone came together on my behalf to save my life!

  I have a whole new lease on life, and my husband has been waiting on me hand and foot! Hard to believe, but he is actually doing all the laundry, cooking the meals, and cleaning the kitchen….

 It has all been one miracle after another. The recovery process is going well. 4 to 6 weeks......

  I am so thankful to be alive, and am really looking forward to re-opening my little studio!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!

Fawn's Studio, my teaching center and gallery

I am in the process of opening my own gallery!  I am hoping to have the doors open next month.  So far it looks like a very real possibility!

I am not usually a brave person, even chicken at times. But lately, for some reason (the Good Lord only knows), this has been a courageous endeavor that has only gotten stronger. 

Will keep you posted!

back to painting!

So everything got done in time: certification was re-instated applied for the position, and had two interviews with the principal and then the vice principal.....3 or 4 people applied.  I didn't get the job, and honestly I am relieved. As much as I love teaching art, I wasn't sure I was ready for the stress of 30 or more students all at once!

I am happily back in my studio painting to my hearts content!  I will start some after school drawing and painting classes soon, with 10 or so students at a time.  very nice!

waiting

Everything is done, now I am waiting on Tallahassee to finish processing my certification to teach in the public schools again.  I had planned on subbing for a year or so, and if something came open I would be ready to work.  Well the position I was hoping for is open now!!!  Art teacher at the Freshman campus....and The school board called to let me know they are trying to get Tallahassee to finish my paper work so they can offer me the job.....WOW!

That means I could possibly be starting in a month.  WOW again!  Not too sure if I am ready for this, but how can I pass up a position that only comes around once in a while? There are only 2 positions in Okeechobee county for teaching art. It is not an easy job, by any means, but I am not going into it blind like I did the first time around, when I worked at the main high school teaching art.  I know more what to expect and handle stress better.

So now I wait and see if someone else applies for the position before I am officially re-instated. If I am suppose to do it, then I believe it will all work out.  If not, then I will have more time to devote to my art, but less money in my pocket!!!  Either way I am blessed.

getting back in the swing of things

Been taking some college classes, to get my teaching certification re-instated with the state.  Very happy to get things caught up.  Should have never let it lapse.

It has been a long time since I painted just to paint, just for fun.  So I am enjoying having some time to get back to doing what I love.  didn't realize how much I missed it.