Storm Billows Roll

 

"Storm Billows Roll"

Acrylic, 8x10 inches

~ Stopped fighting the tears. Let them flow. Maybe I need to get it out. Painting was always my way to cope. Brought me joy and peace. I want to paint my bright happy colors and beautiful memories, but for now, it isn't there. So, I am getting honest and putting my sorrow on the canvas.

~ My birthday is the 11th.  9-11. Sad day.  Wouldn't celebrate it after the trade centers went down. 

 

~ Kyle started a new day for me. The first time he made September 1st my special day, he brought cake and his beautiful family. What a wonderful thing when he made me feel so important, and we celebrated my birthday, after a couple of years of me declining for the 11th.

~ Over the years we celebrated on the first, or just a few days later. But my husband still insisted we do something on my birthday, so he and I would go out to dinner, or have a special desert. 

~ I went into a downward spiral just before the first this month.  Not able to celebrate things.  I did go to the Labor Day parade, in hopes of seeing my grandchildren. I did see my granddaughter in the parade, but she didn't see me. She is in the high school band.  My daughter-in-law and I never hooked up, so I didn't see my grandson either. I went home crying.  I keep trying to see them. Hoping...

~ Robert took me out of town for a late lunch after the parade. We shared a double fudge chocolate Coca-Cola cake with ice cream for dessert! Quite impressive!

~ I went to the beach early one day after that, by myself. Good to the depths of my aching soul. 

~ Saw my older son and his family last Sunday. They had a nice meal and cupcakes for me. It was also grandparents' day. So that was cool. I played with my baby grandson (3yrs old) and grabbed up all the hugs I could get. You never know if you will ever get to be with them again. Every moment is so precious. They grow up so fast.  My two oldest granddaughters are teenagers and so busy, it's hard to have time with them.

~ Everyone tells me that I need to reclaim my actual birthday.  Maybe next year it won't be so hard. 

~ I prayed for something special to happen this year on my birthday, and several things happened! 

 1. The cardinal hasn't been around much this week, for 3days I didn't see him. On the 11th, he came at sunrise, again in the late morning, and then in the evening! 

2. The stray cat came and sat with me on the porch and let me pet her while the cardinal was at the feeder. You never know with her what you will get. Sometimes she is very shy, and sometimes she wants attention.

3. Tobby, the neighbor's horse, came to the fence and wanted to visit. Usually, he makes all kinds of verbal noises asking for treats, and doesn't really like to be pet, but he came close and let me pet him. I pulled some grass, so he was happy. 

4. Robert had a basket of flowers delivered while I was teaching a class, huge brownie points! And he took me out again, on my birthday for another amazing meal, this time at the Tin Fish.  The dessert was great too!

5. Best of all: my foster sister just had a granddaughter born on my birthday! That is so extra precious and special to me. Maybe next year won't be so hard. 

~ I finished the stormy painting above. Have another one in progress. Decided that I needed to paint and put my true feelings into it, because the joyful colors just aren't working.  Click on the image for information about the painting.

~ Click here to see more

5 months

"Eternal Praise"

9 x 12 inches, Acrylic on hardboard

"Early Birds"

12 x 16 inches, Acrylic on canvas

"In the Morning"

5 3/4 inches diameter, Acrylic on wood

The last five months: 

• Mostly, I sat at my easel and cried. During the day, I held it back, stayed busy, kept the positive upbeat Christian music on, and then when I got still at my easel, the waves of sorrow showed up. (Even with the music and the prayers of thanks for the good things in my life.) 
• After a few brush strokes, the tears started again. Especially if it was a painting Kyle liked or gave me ideas for. Which he loved to do. He came in my studio often to see what I was working on, picked my brain, and gave me great ideas.
• Somedays I got frustrated and angry at every little thing in daily life. When I was at my easel it showed up.  So, I repainted, changed the colors, undid, redid, or tried a different approach. Sometimes I destroyed the work in progress with broad strokes of white paint. 
• I painted over one in varying shades of gray. I think maybe it might make a nice background for a rainbow or something one day.
• I came to a dark place of believing God had taken this gift of creativity away from me.  I gave it up. Laid it down and asked him to show me if he wanted me to keep trying. I asked him to show me His way and guide me.  That's when I had some positive painting sessions.  
• I have cancelled all custom paintings and refunded downpayments. I'm currently not accepting commissions. 
• I'm creating small things with no deadlines, and no emotional attachment. I recently finished the three paintings above.  That is encouraging. (Click on an image for information about the paintings).
• Also, I started teaching one small group a week for my homeschool students. This has been very positive. I love working with kids. 
• Still wake up with bad dreams, crying in the night and/or the morning, but not as often.
• I have accepted some framing orders. This has also been positive. It keeps me busy and gets my mind off of the painful memories of Kyle's suffering his last month, and off of my poor choices I made his last week and the weeks just after he went to heaven. I was just freaking out and had complete breakdowns. I couldn't drive 3 hours to Miami when he passed in the middle of the night. I had a major melt down a few days before when I got turned around down there. I was the only one that wasn't there for his new journey. It made everything worse with my family.
• I don't see my grandchildren much anymore. Sometimes it overwhelms me. Unbearable heart ache. 
• For 2 and a half years I was available 24/7 if Kyle had to have treatments or was staying in the hospital. Took them to school, picked them up, kept them overnight, or whatever, whenever.  I miss them terribly.  
• Two friends of mine passed away in the last 3 weeks. One much older and one much younger. 
• I had more major meltdowns last week.  Thought I was handling things better, but after a luncheon with a group of friends, I fell apart again.
• I've also avoided a few get-togethers with my family, so I don't have to deal with it or cause them more pain. I know I cause them the most pain of anyone. I hate it that I can't fix it. 
• After that I realized I have to stop beating myself up.  I'm working on forgiving myself: I tell myself it wouldn't have mattered anyway; we would have shut each other out to try to ease the pain regardless if I had been there or not. 
• For now, I have to accept this season and pray that in time our relationships will heal. 
• The thing that helps the most is watching my words: He's not dead, he's not gone, he is in a better place, I will see him again, I will get to hold him and kiss his face, and one day my grandchildren will know I am still grandma, and I still love them, hopefully in this life.  This is my hope. This keeps me from letting the depression take me out.

 

He truly is in a better place

Angel demo, for an art lesson.

This painting is available.

 Someone said to me last Sunday that they didn't like it when people said things like, 'They are in a better place."   He went on about things people say to try to be encouraging.

I said, "It really is comforting for me to remember that he is happy now and not suffering.  He is free and full of energy and life.  He gets to talk to Jesus and have all the hard questions answered too.  He truly is in a better place, and I get to see him again one day." 

This is all I have to find peace of mind.  If I let go of my faith in all this sorrow, then I may not rise above it at all.  I don't know how anyone can survive this kind of heartache without faith.

The Bible does not say that we become angels or that we get wings; it says we become higher than the angels and we will rule with Christ!  Father God has work for us to do.  We are here to choose.  We must choose to follow Jesus, live His ways, ask for His wisdom and His strength, and walk in the power of His Holy Spirit to overcome the trials. He will not force His ways on us.  We must learn and choose here on earth before we are welcomed into His Kingdom.  The Kingdom of Darkness will do everything it can to destroy our lives.  Right now, it is hard to fight and hard to believe, but I know He is faithful and will help me through this.

One day at a time

Kyle sang sweet baby songs through the days, and shared goofy middle-of-the-night smiles when I tried to get him to sleep!

What a great son.      

So proud to get to be his mama!

Beautiful family

  Me and my boys

  

People are so encouraging. The cards, flowers, and extraordinary gifts are beautiful. Some of the gifts include potted plants and flowers that I am still enjoying, a watercolor painting of a cardinal, a painting created by a friend of angel wings, a thermal cup with a cardinal on it that says, "Angels are near when cardinals appear", a plaque with a wooden carving of a cardinal that says the same thing, and a plaque that says, "Feathers appear when angels are near, Kyle Jenkins, Much Loved."   Another gift is a necklace of an angel wing with a small diamond-studded heart hanging next to it. The wing has this engraved on it: "Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and smile, or cry, or both."  I wear it every day.

So comforting when I can't see past the pain.

Kyle's birthday is this week: May 5th.  He would have been 38.

I've had a few nights I didn't wake up crying, or with a soaked pillow in the morning. Most nights I get some sleep now, and most days my stomach is not so upset.  I have lost over 10 pounds.  It hurts to eat, although not as severely and not as often.  I still have complete meltdowns.  They show up out of nowhere. Have had physical collapses too. 

My mama says your whole body grieves. I think it is in rebellion against anything healthy, wholesome, or good.  I get weak and dizzy from not holding food down or not having any appetite at all.  Sleepless nights give way to headaches and foggy thought patterns. You can't focus.  It becomes a vicious cycle, but you don't care about much of anything.  

Some days my heart races and my chest hurts, and I can't breathe.  Sometimes the dark thoughts of meaninglessness are overwhelming.  In the middle of it all, I have become aware of my need to let people know. To be honest and not fake a smile when my insides are tearing me in two.  I tend to isolate myself because I don't want to bring people down with my sorrow. But I am making myself get out and do more. I'm also working on a painting, even if it isn't coming together like I want. 

 I am battling the negative thoughts and mood swings with encouraging scriptures of hope.

I have had some counseling, which helps tremendously.  I didn't have bad dreams last night, and I was able to go back to sleep.  This morning, I woke up with a little peace and didn't cry until later in the day.  Some things easily trigger a flood of sorrow, confusion, anger, or temper tantrums.  I'm better at recognizing it, but still not handling it so well. At least it seems to be less often.

People are so patient and kind.  I am amazed at how many people love me and are there for me to lean on.  

Joy in the sorrow. Started painting again.

 

A dull thud against the window.  Then another.  It's been a month now.  Beautiful songs.  He has come every day now, except the day of the memorial.

He is not aggressive; his crest on his head is not raised as he hits the window. He hangs on the lower part (the screen) or flies at the top part of the window with a light thud. He hits it two or three times and then sits in the tree and sings.  

This cardinal started visiting my studio window about 3 days before my son, Kyle, went to meet Jesus.  I think all the good thoughts: he's not suffering any longer, he's in a better place, he's happy . . .  But sometimes it doesn't help.

I've lived in this house for 20 years and have never had a bird come to my window.   He often shows up at my upstairs window in the mornings, when I wake up with a soaked pillow and can't get out of bed.  He sits in the tree by the window and sings.  He has also followed me in the yard while I water the plants.

I also had a rainbow dance on the hood of our truck as we were driving home.  The colors sparkled in the misty rain and lit up the hood.  Never seen that before in my life!  Breathtaking! 

People say it's Kyle. That he's sending me messages that he's okay.  They say he wants me to know he is with me. 

My biggest heartache came from feeling excluded in the plans for Kyle's memorial.  I wanted to share what an amazing kid he was: a little evangelist, a prayer warrior with gifts of healing when he prayed for people!  I wanted to share my pictures and my good memories.  I thought anyone and everyone would love to see my pictures and hear the stories.  I wanted to write at least one down for the minister to read. 

I did get to have some of my images in the slide show.  And a few framed pictures on the table.  That helped my broken heart.

In the middle of the tears, trying to let go, and trying not to be angry over every little thing, this past week, I heard Kyle clearly say. "Mama, it's Ok.  I know them all now. I remember all of them, and nothing is forgotten anymore.  I understand the hard ones, too."   I laughed and cried.  It doesn't matter if anyone else cares or knows, because Kyle does. Then I thought, I must be losing my mind!

I know he is in my heart and my memories. He always will be.  But I was taught that we are not to talk to the dead, not to ask them questions, nor seek their spirit.  It is sorcery and rebellion against God.  So, I struggled with it. Especially when I heard him speak to me.

My pastor's wife said that this was a gift from God for my healing.  It's not the same as using a medium to contact our relatives.  She said that Kyle might be sending the cardinal to comfort me, and that there are times God sends us dreams, angels, or loved ones to help us.  She said if I am not seeking counsel from Kyle, or putting him above the Lord, then it is Ok to talk to him or receive his messages.

So now I tell him things from time to time. I apologize for the poor choices I made over the years, relive a good memory, or laugh when I find another penny where there wasn't one before.  I thank the Lord for the time I had with him.  

Yesterday was Easter, Resurrection Sunday.  I painted for the first time in over a month.  Just a nothing painting.  No expectations, no deadlines, just a simple start to something that might help me get back to living.  

I plan to do some paintings of cardinals soon.  What a beautiful expression of life and energy and hope. Brings me joy every time I hear him singing or see him near my window.

Turning point

 

Trying to get out of the dark thoughts.  Not easy. The depression is overwhelming. If I don't fight it, it takes me under.

~ I have to let myself off the hook.  I did what I believed was best for Kyle, even when he hated me for it.  Like making him move out when he was 18 and didn't want to work or go to school.  (He went to live with his dad.) Or when I called the police on him once for having illegal substances in the house.  (Kyle had about 2 years of rebellion as a teenager, and then he got himself back on track. I was so proud of him for sticking to his promise to me that he would finish his program and stay clean.)  I was raised in a family of alcoholism and drugs. I had always told my boys if they brought that into our home, I would call the police.  So, I had to.  I wanted him to face the consequences.  "Tough love" they called it.  So hard to do.  He held that against me for a long time.

~ I have to forgive myself for all the "what ifs" and "should haves..."  Kyle was a good son, and he turned out to be a good man, a good husband, and a good father.   The Lord helped me raise him, and I did the best I could.

~ I have to let go of the hurts, perceived or real, intentional or not, and not hold onto the offenses. I have to forgive myself and others. Truly forgive and not keep running the events through my head.

~ I need to focus on the positives and throw out the negatives if I am going to get back to living.  

~ Kathryn was good for him.  He was happy.  She was a good wife and a good caregiver.  She walked through the darkest days with him and never left his side.  I am so thankful for her love and dedication to him.

~ Kyle and I shared a close bond. No one can take that from me.  I have many wonderful memories and treasured moments with him.

~ I will adjust, I will not stay in this destructive place. Sometimes I don't want to live, but I will find peace with it, even though I'm sure my heart will never be the same.

~ I know God does no wrong, Yet I feel wronged.  I must let go of that and "forgive" Him (in a sense). I can't see the whole picture. I must accept that this was best for Kyle.  Plus, I have hope that I will see him again.

Venting

 For the last two years, I have been scolded by several people, including my husband, for being too emotional, looking up the facts about my son's cancer, or saying anything about him going to heaven. As if that could stop God from doing a miracle.  I can know the facts and still believe for a miracle.

I did believe. I honestly thought there was a great ministry ahead for Kyle.  So many restored relationships and inner healings had happened.  I just knew he would have a marvelous testimony. I was sure God would heal him completely and restore the gifts he had as a child.

From the time he was 5 or so, he prayed for me many times. Mostly for back issues or headaches. and the pain would leave.  He prayed for others too.  And every night he had a list of people he prayed for. Both of my boys did.

One time he saw a woman working in Walmart grab her head in pain, and he asked her if he could pray for her. She nodded, and he put his hand on her head and prayed silently. The headache was gone! He was around 9 years old. He told me he could feel the energy flow, and a few times he felt the rejection from the person he prayed for. And then no healing would come.  That was the last time he prayed like that (that I knew of).  

After that, his father left, his Nana died, and his cousin and his best friend both moved away. All in a year or so.   I had no job and no money.  I had to go to work full-time.  Until then, I worked part-time and had never left my boys alone. So, in a sense, they lost me as well.  I tried to reach him, but he inverted and shut everyone out.   A few years later, in high school, he started turning things around.  He overcame many obstacles. But he was never the same.  

With the cancer came many deep discussions about those wounds we all carried.  So much resentment and anger had built up over the years.  So many good memories were lost and so many were twisted -- for both of us.  The kingdom of darkness spins a strong web.  We untangled it with the Lord's help.  Most of it.  It was healing for us and so good for me to have him back in my life and be a part of his long hard journey.

My Son

 

Had a memorial for my son, Kyle, yesterday.  Saddest days ever.  

He battled cancer for more than two years. He was a father of two and was no longer serving in the Air Force.   The ocular melanoma grew quickly. In a few weeks, his left eye was removed. Horrific, but no cancer had spread to his brain. The cancer metastasized in his abdomen near the kidney, which is very rare as it usually spreads to the liver or the lungs. Now it was uveal melanoma. The immunotherapy was successful and the tumor died. We celebrated when the tests and scans all came back clear.  He even took summer courses at the local college.

I think it was three PET scans that came back clear and they were going to stop treatments.  But the last test showed a spot on his liver.  Then it was two spots. More aggressive treatments were started. Then an ablation to burn off the smaller tumor.  This made the liver swell and the larger tumor grew and the smaller one did not die. 

No one talked openly about the severity of it.  I looked it up to learn that most people only live 5 to 7 months once it is in the liver.  It is fast-growing and aggressive.   Nothing worked.  No surgery was done as the swollen liver made it impossible to discern where the tumor started and ended. Two surgeons rejected the surgery.

He became very sick from the treatments, and by the time he got to a new cancer facility, it had spread to more than fifty percent of his liver.  He was no longer a candidate for clinical trials.

Again, no one was open or honest about the facts, not even the doctors.  During the last 9 months, we all tried to be strong for the kids.  We watched my son suffer terribly for the last two months as his kidneys shut down. Dialysis worked for a couple of weeks. He was able to hold some food down and had less pain.  Even his last week in the hospital they gave us false hope with more dialysis and new treatment plans for the liver.

 I treasure the precious time we shared. The times I stayed with him in the hospital while his wife took care of the kids, and the times they all stayed at our house.  He shared his strong faith, telling me it was going to be okay because he would get a miracle and get to stay here for his family, or he would get to be with Jesus and be completely healed.

Rivers of tears have been shed. Complete emotional meltdowns are less frequent. The strangest things can trigger it. My heart pounds, races, and aches. Sharp pains stab my chest sometimes.  Feels like I'm shattering apart. Physical collapses too.  I have had to lay down on the floor a couple of times and wait it out. Weak from not eating much. No appetite and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. 

Yet, I’m also thankful he is no longer suffering. I remind myself I will see him again and of all the wonderful things he is doing now. That helps me shake off the dark thoughts.

My grandson (7 years old)  comforts me.  I treasure his little hugs and tight squeezes.

 We mixed up everyone's images for the slide show. (I had too many pictures of Kyle when he was little.)  That way if some of the images didn’t get shown at the end it would be random.  Precious memories.

I spent hours going through my old photos and taking pictures of them to have them on my phone. Then I emailed them to myself so I could edit them before I put them on the jump drive. Then I took them to the funeral home. It was a wonderful way to keep busy and not feel useless.   Sometimes it didn’t stop the tears, but I relived beautiful memories.

Then there were the framed images to put on the table.  I am a professional artist. I also did custom framing for years. I put the images in expensive frames and custom-cut the glass, mats, and foam-core backing.  It turned out nice and not crowded. 

It all turned out amazing.  We honored him well.  Had military honors for him and had three of his pastors share. That was so good to my soul. 

Wish I would have written out at least one of my stories to share. Kyle was a prayer warrior by 6 years old.  He had gifts of healing for others.  He saw things in the spirit realm and drew pictures of the angels he saw. He was hit by a car at 7 years old and the bike was mangled up under the car and he was not hurt.  He was sitting on the side of the road in a daze.  “An angel caught me, Mama, it pulled me away from the car!” And his friend saw him “float” away from the car. (Those are just a few.)

So many wonderful things I want to share.  Maybe I'll write some and share them when I can put my thoughts together again. 

Pray for me, please.  My heart is in a million pieces.  Sometimes I can’t breathe.  I know he’s in a better place, and I know he is dancing with Jesus, and seeing all our loved ones, but I miss him so much.

Obituary information for Kyle Marvin Jenkins

Getting back to "normal"

 Is there such a thing?

Maybe not, but I'm not in as much pain! I wear the brace only when I'm working in the yard or doing something stressfull to my hand.  

I'm so excited to be back to painting and using my right hand!  It's been 9 months of wearing a brace and dealing with pain from a torn tendon. 

I have been painting more, but haven't finished anything lately.  It just feels good to be able to do it.  I even did some framing a few days ago. I was able to miter some custom frames from my home inventory from closing my shop down in 2020.  That molding is almost gone now. 

I'm working on setting up my home studio for teaching again.  I have to find a way to store things elsewear in the house! I have so many paintings from my gallery that need to stay in airconditioning, but some things can go in the garage. (I have my miter saw and underpinner out there.)

Anyway, I am so thankful for new directions and the ability to do things again!!!!

Click here to view my summer art classes!

A Little Off

 Really tough year:

~ Watched my son, Kyle, suffer and battle cancer.  He lost his left eye last December to ocular melanoma. Horrific. He has been undergoing cancer treatments for a small tumor near his kidney for most of this year.  Thankfully the tumor is almost gone! 

~ I lost a dear friend to cancer.  I miss her terribly.

~ I injured my right hand/wrist while doing yard work about five months ago (I'm right-handed.) Torn tendon. I reinjured it thinking it was fine after a month or so.  It went from bad to worse. Sharp pain and no strength.  Now I wear a brace that immobilizes my thumb and keeps my wrist from bending. Seeing an orthopedic doctor.

~ I have stopped teaching my after-school art classes for now. I'm still doing small semi-private groups. Which is actually a very nice pace. 

~ Actually started creating a painting with my left hand, what a mess! It is slow and cumbersome, but I'm making progress.  I'm surprised at how my left-hand cramps and gets tired so easily.  I did not realize how strong my dominant hand is in comparison!

~ I have seen the restoration of broken relationships as a result of these hardships.

~  I have become available to keep the grandkids at odd hours when Kyle has early treatments in Miami or has to rush to the ER.

~  I have learned to be patient when I'm in pain and/or overwhelmed with emotion.

~ I have grown in faith and found strength I did not know existed.

~ I'm still a little off, but I see everything differently now. I have truly grown.

~ I believe we are better off having overcome things and learning from them than staying stuck in old habits. 

Praying for better things in 2024!