One day at a time

Kyle sang sweet baby songs through the days, and shared goofy middle-of-the-night smiles when I tried to get him to sleep!

What a great son.      

So proud to get to be his mama!

Beautiful family

  Me and my boys

  

People are so encouraging. The cards, flowers, and extraordinary gifts are beautiful. Some of the gifts include potted plants and flowers that I am still enjoying, a watercolor painting of a cardinal, a painting created by a friend of angel wings, a thermal cup with a cardinal on it that says, "Angels are near when cardinals appear", a plaque with a wooden carving of a cardinal that says the same thing, and a plaque that says, "Feathers appear when angels are near, Kyle Jenkins, Much Loved."   Another gift is a necklace of an angel wing with a small diamond-studded heart hanging next to it. The wing has this engraved on it: "Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and smile, or cry, or both."  I wear it every day.

So comforting when I can't see past the pain.

Kyle's birthday is this week: May 5th.  He would have been 38.

I've had a few nights I didn't wake up crying, or with a soaked pillow in the morning. Most nights I get some sleep now, and most days my stomach is not so upset.  I have lost over 10 pounds.  It hurts to eat, although not as severely and not as often.  I still have complete meltdowns.  They show up out of nowhere. Have had physical collapses too. 

My mama says your whole body grieves. I think it is in rebellion against anything healthy, wholesome, or good.  I get weak and dizzy from not holding food down or not having any appetite at all.  Sleepless nights give way to headaches and foggy thought patterns. You can't focus.  It becomes a vicious cycle, but you don't care about much of anything.  

Some days my heart races and my chest hurts, and I can't breathe.  Sometimes the dark thoughts of meaninglessness are overwhelming.  In the middle of it all, I have become aware of my need to let people know. To be honest and not fake a smile when my insides are tearing me in two.  I tend to isolate myself because I don't want to bring people down with my sorrow. But I am making myself get out and do more. I'm also working on a painting, even if it isn't coming together like I want. 

 I am battling the negative thoughts and mood swings with encouraging scriptures of hope.

I have had some counseling, which helps tremendously.  I didn't have bad dreams last night, and I was able to go back to sleep.  This morning, I woke up with a little peace and didn't cry until later in the day.  Some things easily trigger a flood of sorrow, confusion, anger, or temper tantrums.  I'm better at recognizing it, but still not handling it so well. At least it seems to be less often.

People are so patient and kind.  I am amazed at how many people love me and are there for me to lean on.