Turning point

 

Trying to get out of the dark thoughts.  Not easy. The depression is overwhelming. If I don't fight it, it takes me under.

~ I have to let myself off the hook.  I did what I believed was best for Kyle, even when he hated me for it.  Like making him move out when he was 18 and didn't want to work or go to school.  (He went to live with his dad.) Or when I called the police on him once for having illegal substances in the house.  (Kyle had about 2 years of rebellion as a teenager, and then he got himself back on track. I was so proud of him for sticking to his promise to me that he would finish his program and stay clean.)  I was raised in a family of alcoholism and drugs. I had always told my boys if they brought that into our home, I would call the police.  So, I had to.  I wanted him to face the consequences.  "Tough love" they called it.  So hard to do.  He held that against me for a long time.

~ I have to forgive myself for all the "what ifs" and "should haves..."  Kyle was a good son, and he turned out to be a good man, a good husband, and a good father.   The Lord helped me raise him, and I did the best I could.

~ I have to let go of the hurts, perceived or real, intentional or not, and not hold onto the offenses. I have to forgive myself and others. Truly forgive and not keep running the events through my head.

~ I need to focus on the positives and throw out the negatives if I am going to get back to living.  

~ Kathryn was good for him.  He was happy.  She was a good wife and a good caregiver.  She walked through the darkest days with him and never left his side.  I am so thankful for her love and dedication to him.

~ Kyle and I shared a close bond. No one can take that from me.  I have many wonderful memories and treasured moments with him.

~ I will adjust, I will not stay in this destructive place. Sometimes I don't want to live, but I will find peace with it, even though I'm sure my heart will never be the same.

~ I know God does no wrong, Yet I feel wronged.  I must let go of that and "forgive" Him (in a sense). I can't see the whole picture. I must accept that this was best for Kyle.  Plus, I have hope that I will see him again.