One year today

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Finger Print Flowers, demo

It's been a rough month. Today marks the first year since Kyle stepped into his glorious forever home. I am happy he gets to be with Jesus and dance with the angels. I long for the day I can join him.  But things down here have been extremely difficult.  And the bad memories of the beginning of March last year have been overwhelming the last few weeks.  

Last year, my husband, Robert, was not well. He was having heart issues.  My son, Kyle, was back in the hospital (here in Okeechobee). I made sure Robert was stable and then went to be with my son.  When I got there, they had his door shut and I was not allowed in. As the nurse explained to me that they were doing an emergency surgery right in his room to put in a port for dialysis, I collapsed on the hallway floor and could not stop wailing, moaning, and crying.  They put me on a chair and wheeled me to the nurse's station.  I knew his organs were shutting down.

The next few weeks were both precious and gut wrenching.  The dialysis gave us some time to have precious heart to heart conversations. I treasure the honesty and faith Kyle shared with me of his acceptance that he was headed home.  But the agony of watching him suffer was the hardest thing I have ever faced.  As a mama, you just want to fix it and make him happy.  But cancer is cruel and it spread too fast. It had taken over his liver. 

I had several more physical and emotional breakdowns before he passed.  One was when I took the kids to see him at the Miami Hospital, the week before he flew away.  When I tried to head home, I got turned around in Miami, and had to pull over until I could get myself together.  I should not have been risking our lives in the first place.

The night Kyle passed I freaked out.  I couldn't leave Robert, who had an irregular pulse, and very high blood pressure.  He had been falling frequently too.  I was emotionally a wreck, and I knew I could not drive to Miami at 3 in the morning with the kids in the car.  So my daughter-in-law called her mom and had her pick up the kids and take them.  I knew she was strong, and they would be safe.  I knew my daughter-in-law needed her mother.  (I would be no good to anyone if I was having complete melt downs.)  

I agonized over it and thought I should call someone to stay with Robert, but I didn't know who I could call.  And I didn't think I could make the drive on my own. I could not make myself go.  I had watched him suffer. I couldn't watch him die. I knew Kyle was not coherent. I knew he was Ok, we had already said goodbye.  I knew he was already transitioning to the afterlife.  

I did not know how much this hurt everyone else.

Selfish, I guess. Scared, definitely. Unable to function and not think clearly, for sure. It haunts me still.   

But even worse: the sight of my baby boy in a coffin.  There are no words. This memory haunts me the most.

I wanted to scream, run away, hide from it all -- anything! Anything but sit there with him lying there in front of me while I tried to hold back the anguish.

This week I asked God to change those memories.  To help me have a better perspective.  

Maybe it's crazy, maybe I'm in a fairytale, but I imagined Kyle saying, "Mama, it wasn't me, it was just my temporary tent. I am whole now. I'm free, and I was flying around with no pain!"

So, now I imagine Kyle sitting with me there at his memorial and telling me I'll see him soon.

His memorial was on April 5th last year.  April 5th is Resurrection Sunday this year.  (So many mixed emotions about that.)  Again, I'm truly happy for him, and for the hope of a better life because of Christ's resurrection! Just praying I will get to be a part of my grandchildren's' lives again. It is hard to find joy without them.

I am trying to focus on positive things, the good memories, and stay busy.  I will find joy in things again. 

The painting above is one I did with my young students.  So much delight in their finger paintings!

I needed that. 

I covet your prayers.  Learning to live with this kind of pain is beyond anything. I keep reminding myself that God empowers me through his Spirit in Jesus name.  

 

Better things

 Trying to focus on better things so 2026 will not be so sad all the time.

~ I've been learning to pray more specifically for those I love. It is so encouraging when you see Father God at work, in ways you did not think possible!

~ We had a good doctor's report from Robert's MRI. (Due to his imbalance issues a new set of x-rays, tests and an MRI were issued for the shunt and it's tubing.)  It was originally placed in 2008.  It reads the pressure in his brain and opens the valve if the fluids are not draining. 

~ They found no abnormalities, or malfunctions! The shunt is still working even though it has lasted seven years longer than projected. No kinks in the tubes and no sign of hydrocephalus! (I prayed specifically that either the cerebral fluids were flowing down his spine as they normally would, or that the shunt would not have to be replaced.)  I am full of amazement and gratefulness that he will not have to endure another brain surgery!

~ I also prayed specifically about the tumor (acoustic neuroma) in his right ear. It went dormant after the laser surgery in 2010. Within a couple of years, it began to shrink away from his brain.  Six or seven years later it was still dormant but hadn't shrunk much.  I'm grateful that it is still dormant and not growing!

 

~ I got to see my grandkids in the park the evening after Christmas.  It was beautiful.  All the trees are decorated in lights, and there are huge candy canes, presents, deer, and ornaments all lit up through 5 or 6 blocks. It was good to hug Kolton.  He is so sweet. Then I gave them their gifts to open at home.  I hope they liked them.  I know I have to let them go, live their lives, and not make it worse by pushing the issue.  I have to be tougher or calloused or something, I guess. It hurts too much to keep going like this. I pray for healing for all of us.  So many things are not what we perceive them to be.  Offenses are often based on things that are not true.  I know I am guilty of that! One day they will know how much I love them and miss being a part of their lives. 

~ They are driving 5 hours to spend time with Marvin, Kyle's dad, their grandpa, my ex.  At first this hurt so much, like daggers in my heart, because I am right here.  I've been right here. I quit my classes, made myself available 24/7 to take care of them while Kyle had treatments or surgery, or ER visits.  I'm still here, but it was seven months of not seeing them at all. Missed my birthday, grandparents' day, Kylynn's birthday, and we had no kid's at my house for the holidays.  Rivers of tears all over again.  But I had to put my selfishness aside, and my self-pity.  If it is Marvin that helps them heal, then that is a wonderful thing.  I will be happy for them and Thank God Marvin is there for them!  Kyle was a lot like his dad, and I am sure there is comfort in his house. 

~ My mother is 80 and widowed for 2 years now.  She is doing well, far better than we anticipated as she battles a blood disease.  My family was never close. My older and younger brother and I are close in age.  (We were in foster homes for three years as teenagers.  I was 13 when my youngest brother was born and 14 when my sister was born.)  We all went our ways and kept up with each other for holidays or birthdays.  Now we are all talking to each other, and we are helping our mother anyway we can.  My sister stays with her now, and my youngest brother lives in the same town with her (Spokane Washington).  My older brother is about 4 hours away, in Montana, and he drives over to spend time with her.  He has also come down to Florida to spend some time with me after Kyle passed.  It has been amazing to see my broken family become a fairly close family!  So many answered prayers!

~ I have an amazing church family too.  Close sisters that cry with me, hold me, and encourage me.  My women's bible study and prayer team have helped me hang onto hope and faith when I completely shut down and doubt everything.  I don't know how I would get through this without them. I am so very thankful for my friends that show up when I need them the most!

~ Prayers for an amazing awareness of the many blessings our Heavenly Father pours out on us! And prayers for healing and spiritual growth in 2026!