"Early Birds"
12 x 16 inches, acrylic on canvas
"In the Morning"
5 3/4 inches diameter, Acrylic on wood
The last five months:
- Mostly, I sit at my easel and cry. Sometimes I destroy the work in progress with broad strokes of white or black paint.
- Painted over one in varying shades of gray. It might make a nice background for a rainbow or something one day.
- Been making myself paint anyway. Trying to choose things with no emotional attachment or that I started last year or the year before. I recently finished the two paintings above. It helps.
- I have cancelled all custom paintings and refunded downpayments. I'm currently not accepting commissions.
- Started teaching one small group a week for homeschoolers. This has been very positive. I love working with kids.
- Still wake up with bad dreams, crying in the night and/or the morning, but not as often.
- I have accepted some framing orders. This has also been positive. It keeps me busy and gets my mind off of the painful memories of Kyle's suffering his last month, and my poor choices that made everything worse with my family.
- I don't have my grandchildren in my life anymore, which cuts like knives in my heart. Sometimes it overwhelms me. Unbearable.
- Two more friends of mine passed away.
- I had more major meltdowns and physical collapses last week. Thought I was handling things better, but after a luncheon with a group of friends, I fell apart again.
- After that I realized that I have to stop beating myself up. I'm working on forgiving myself: I tell myself it wouldn't have mattered anyway; we would have shut each other out to try to ease the pain regardless. I've avoided a few get-togethers with my family, so I don't have to deal with it or cause them more pain. I know I cause them the most pain of anyone. I hate it that I can't fix it.
- For now, I have to accept this season and pray that in time our relationships will heal.
